CHANGing it all 

After three chapters, you’ve probably figured out that nearly all the sins and problems of mankind come from two roots: Ignorance and pain.

To this point I have emphasized one “root”—pain—somewhat more than the other, along with the “trunk” (Protecting Behaviors) and “branches” (Common Problem Behaviors) that spring from that root. I have done that only because the solution for pain—loving—is where we tend to be most deficient. We already have lots of teaching going on, but teaching alone is reducing neither pain nor ignorance. During His mortal ministry, the Savior found an abundance of teaching going on too—among the Jews, who were diligently schooled in their synagogues—but he found very little genuine righteousness. Teaching isn’t enough. Obedience is not enough.

Nephi’s brother Jacob taught that “The Jews were stubbornly proud, and they hated the words of plainness, and killed the prophets, and looked for things they could not understand. (They looked for useless intellectual knowledge instead of infusing their core knowledge with the power of love.) They were blind because they looked outside the marked path—the real meaning of “looking beyond the mark”—which means they focused on the details all around the path instead of just WALKING the path to the tree of life. And in the process, they turned the rock of their foundation—Christ—into a rock on which they would stumble. (Jacob 4:14-17)

In fact, Jacob stated that despite all their teaching the Jews were the “only people on earth who would crucify their God.” (2 Nephi 10:3) And all this was because of their search for knowledge without love, so they were left with what the Apostle Paul called “itching ears,” “ever learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth.” (2 Timothy 3:7; 4:3)

Teaching IS indispensable. We do a great deal of it, as we should, but if children don’t feel loved, more teaching actually becomes harmful. President Joseph F. Smith taught, “Parents, if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient ... love them! And prove to them that you do love them by your every word or act ... Soften their hearts ... use no [force] ...”

“You can’t force your children into heaven. You may force them to hell—by using harsh means in the efforts to make them good, when you yourselves are not as good as you should be ... You can only correct (or teach) your children in love, in kindness—by love unpreened, by persuasion and reason.” (Improvement Era, January 1920)

So, our entire job as parents is to love and teach. If we do either of those while failing to do the other, we lead our children astray.

Here’s where some people really get stuck on the point of agency, stating that we always have the ability to make the right choice. That is simply not true, as proven thoroughly in Chapter Three. And as I briefly mentioned in that chapter, what is the alternative to believing that sin is primarily caused by ignorance and pain?

The other choice is to believe that most people are simply innately evil and unredeemable. If so, then what is the Atonement for? What is repentance for? WHY BOTHER to TEACH ANYBODY? Why bother to LEARN? We learn SO THAT we can know good from evil, so that we can better exercise our agency.

Remember what Lehi said to his son: “Men are instructed sufficiently [so] that they know good from evil.” (2 Nephi 2:5) And Christ added a “new commandment” (John 13:34) that love is essential to everything we do. Only with loving and teaching can we fully exercise our agency, which brings us right back to our job as parents: Love and teach.

First we’ll talk about how you can intellectually prepare to love your children, and then how you can find the pure love of Christ yourself, so you can in turn give that to your little ones—even when they’re not so little anymore.

What I’ve been doing with you in the previous chapters, and what I’m doing now and will continue to do, is simply to love and teach you. You matter to me. I love and teach you because we all need it, and because I choose to, and because from this you may get a feel for what it will be like to love and teach your children.

EJFR

We’ve talked about how nearly all emotional pain comes from the “I don’t love you wound” that both we and our children have experienced in so many ways. That wound then leads to all the Protecting Behaviors, which combine to produce all the Common Problem Behaviors—you remember the list of whining, anger, addictions, and more. And all the pain, fear, and protecting create the Post-Childhood Stress Disorder that cripples nearly all of us to some extent.

Instead of wading through the muck of that all your life—the filthy river—you can learn to love and help your children. Before you can love and teach, YOU need to be loved and taught to find the pure love of Christ—so do I. You can’t give what you don’t have, remember? It’s a law.

LOVE heals our wounds and makes learning possible. There are no shortcuts. I can’t give you a pill or injection of pure love. Learning to feel loved and to love others takes a lifetime. We’ve been working on that already, and we’ll be working on it a lot more in this and later chapters.

Right now, though, while we’re working at feeling and giving love, let’s focus on some teaching that can make a difference immediately. PCSD and the Protecting Behaviors are almost always reflexive reactions to pain. Most of us spend our entire lives REACTING instead of CHOOSING, instead of using the primal and eternal gift of agency.

We can LEARN how to make real choices instead of just reacting. Some training of the mind will help us in the process of making choices to be loving.

(Event → Judgment → Feeling → Reaction)

What I’m about to teach you WORKS. How do I know? Because I’ve seen tens of thousands of people DO THIS and genuinely experience a “mighty change of heart.” (Alma 5:14) If THEY can do it, it is at least possible that you can too . . . They did just two things:

They were (1) WILLING to learn—how to feel loved and to be loving (FAITH) and (2) they were CONSISTENT in applying these principles to their children—that’s the fulfillment of FAITH: ACTION, without which faith is—as James says in the New Testament—dead (laughing my head off). These successful parents were not more intelligent, or talented, or more educated, or wealthier than other parents. They were just willing and consistent. If they can do it, it’s no longer impossible, right?

Elder Uchtdorf has said: “If you hesitate in this adventure because you doubt your ability, remember that discipleship is not about doing things perfectly; it’s about doing things intentionally. It is your choices that show what you truly are, far more than your abilities.

Even when you fail, you can choose not to give up, but rather discover your courage, press forward, and rise up. That is the great test of the journey.

God knows that you are not perfect, that you will fail at times. God loves you no less when you struggle than when you triumph. (read again: THAT is the very definition of unconditional love—no surprise that this is also the definition of the pure love of Christ)

Like a loving parent ... all God asks is that you consciously keep striving.

(Ensign Nov 2019)

So, what’s first for you, now that you grasp some of the principles of love and life? First, YOU will

You’re going to hear many variations of this, so read those two lines again.

Another way of saying this is that first you will be the RECIPIENT of loving and teaching. You will BE loved and BE taught. I will love you and teach you. God has agreed to participate in loving and teaching you, along with quite a list of prophets and apostles and other wise people. I will direct you to many sources of love that will build your emotional and spiritual strength to the point where you can be happy and then share your love with your children. I’ve used and will use extensive references to the scriptures, to prophets and apostles, and to my own experiences with loving and teaching. As you are loved and taught, you will become better prepared to listen to the Spirit in your lives, who will teach you “the truth of all things.” (Moroni 10:5; D&C 124:97)

As you feel more loved and wiser, your children will benefit as YOU begin to:

Eventually this becomes just one word—Loveandteach—as I’ve mentioned before.

Even though it’s your job as a parent to learn to loveandteach your children, I still highly recommend that at some point—perhaps now that you’ve studied the first 3+ chapters of the Training—you go back to the beginning WITH your children and watch the Training as a family while YOU as a parent are studying several chapters ahead. Children LOVE it when they and their parents are on the same page, with everybody living PRINCIPLES rather than the family being run as a dictatorship. This does NOT free you from your leadership role, just establishes eternal principles as the guidelines for everyone—in much the same way that our Father in heaven lives by the same eternal principles we do.

So, back to you feeling loved and being taught. I’m going to deal with the second of those two activities—“being taught”—first because with this knowledge you’ll be able to comprehend better what I’ll be saying about feeling the pure love of Christ in your own life.

Before you can Feel and Behave differently, you have to learn to SEE differently. You have to change your perspective.

President Russell M. Nelson once described a time when Jill, the wife of one of his grandsons, was struggling spiritually because her father was dying despite fasting, prayer, and priesthood blessings. When President Nelson’s wife, Wendy, told him about this, his response was one word: myopic, which means nearsighted or short-sighted. The next morning Wendy shared his response with Jill, and initially she was devastated. She said, “I was hoping Grandfather would promise me a miracle for my dad. I kept wondering why he chose the word myopic.”

In Pres Nelson’s words: “After Jill’s father passed on, the word myopic kept coming to her mind. She opened her heart, and her thinking began to shift.” Jill said, “The word ‘Myopic’ caused me to stop, think, and heal. That word now fills me with peace. It reminds me to expand my perspective and seek the eternal. It reminds me that there is a divine plan and that my dad still lives and loves and looks out for me. The word Myopic has led me to God.” (Ensign Nov 2020)

We’re going to do something like that right now. We’re going to learn to find eternal perspectives that will help us to “stop, think, and heal.” In a matter of minutes, you’ll learn how you can BEGIN to change the way you see EVERYTHING. No kidding, and it’s not complicated.

Here’s what most of us believe now:

We believe that when an event occurs, we simply react to the EVENT. Event-Reaction. To most of us, that seems to make sense. It’s a version of Newton’s Third Law of Motion in physics: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Without intending to, we reduce ourselves to the level of physical objects—billiard balls or rocks—by simply reacting to the people and circumstances around us. Yuck, because that thoroughly discounts our divine origins and ability to choose. We have the potential for far more agency than rocks.

But look at the massive evidence supporting the belief that events immediately lead to reactions.

Here’s a crowd favorite: “He MADE me angry.” If you said that to 100 people in a row, every one of them would say, “What did HE do?” We immediately buy into the premise that other people CAN make us angry.

So now we’re going to learn something about perspective.

First, We are NOT ROCKS or billiard balls. We have a choice.

President Thomas S. Monson taught that anger is yielding “to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice.” (Ensign Nov 2009) We’ve also talked about how pain severely limits agency, but for now just learn that events do NOT lead straight to our reactions or choices. There’s something else going on that we’ll get to shortly.

We often express our WILLINGNESS to give up our agency and to be no smarter than rocks when we say things like this:

“My mother said something unkind, and that made me angry. (MADE me angry)

“My child won’t pick up toys after playing with them, and that is so frustrating. (MADE me frustrated)

“My friend was late to pick me up. That is so irritating.

“Snakes are scary.”

In all of these examples, we go straight from events to feelings or reactions.

What a mindless way to live. Why would we want to be only reactions to events, and yet most of us do exactly that. In our defense, if we’re in enough pain, that seems to be how it really is. If you have a headache, the room lights might become intolerably bright. If you have a toothache, any parental duty might be overwhelming. When we’re in pain, we react to events and people exactly as we would to touching a hot stove. There is an immediate, no-brain-involved reaction.

But rarely does that have to be the case. In truth, THIS is what happens:

Let me briefly explain:

First, an event occurs.

We make a JUDGMENT about the event.

The feeling that follows the judgment is fairly immediate and involuntary.

We then react to the judgment and feeling, not the event.

Mostly we’re quite unaware of the judgments and feelings that precede our reaction, but that’s why we’re talking about this subject. We’re about to become much more aware, after which we can gain a perspective that changes everything. With this true perspective, we can exercise agency instead of just reacting, we can choose faith instead of fear, we can be loving instead of selfish. That is a big change in perspective.

But first, be firm in your mind that this:

is a LIE.

Let’s look at some examples and PROVE IT. We say things like:

Criticism IS irritating. (Criticism MAKES us irritated)

Snakes ARE scary—they MAKE us afraid and run away or jump back

Rain IS so annoying and inconvenient when we’re walking or picnicking outside

My boss IS frustrating and irritating

These statements are NOT true, but how can we know?

Because if we place two different people in same circumstance, we can—and often do—get very different results, which PROVES that it’s not the EVENT that produces the reaction. If events CAUSE a certain reaction, then everybody would have the same reaction, but that’s not the case, so there’s something happening between event and reaction.

Let’s go through a couple of the examples I just named:

1. Criticism is irritating. No, not by itself. When I taught surgery residents, I observed that when I made the exact same observation (criticism) about a surgical technique being performed by a resident, ONE resident would drink in the valuable information and improve his performance, while the NEXT resident would become frustrated, or irritated, or discouraged. The criticism itself COULD NOT have been irritating, because it was WELCOMED by one of two residents.
2. Snakes are scary. To most people, it would seem so. But I love them. They’re clean. They don’t stink. They eliminate pests that I would prefer not to overwhelm the outdoors or to come inside. If I encounter one in the yard, I secure it, check for a pit on the face (pit viper), and then release if it no pit, or kill it if there is. No fear.

If I react—or anybody reacts—profoundly differently to the same thing you hate, then the THING itself is not provoking your negative reactions. So why the different responses? As I’ve briefly stated:

Let’s look at another example of this flow. An event occurs: Somebody speaks, or it rains, or you lose your job.

YOU then make JUDGMENTS that lead to FEELINGS, and then you either experience an automatic reaction, or you make a conscious choice in response. This mostly happens unconsciously, and THAT is what we can learn to change. We’re going to learn to CHOOSE JUDGMENTS, which changes everything else.

When we react badly to an event—with any of the Protecting Behaviors—what is the judgment we make? When someone criticizes you and you react badly, are you judging:

Their grammar? No.

The subject matter? Whether they’re talking about history or geometry? No.

Their level of expertise? Nah.

In almost every case where we have an emotional reaction to an event—a person or circumstance—what we’re judging is . . . NO surprise here . . . whether the event (the criticism or whatever) will adversely affect US. With remarkable consistency we are focused on ourselves and how we can avoid pain for ourselves.

Although it is entirely understandable that we focus on ourselves when we’re in pain—in the moment you stub your toe, are you thinking about the welfare of others?—that selfishness, that ego becomes a big problem. As Elder James E. Faust said, “After a lifetime of dealing in the affairs of men and women, I believe ... personal ego and pride ... are enemies to the full enjoyment of the Spirit of God ... The ego interferes with husbands and wives asking each other for forgiveness. It prevents the enjoyment of the full sweetness of a higher love. The ego often prevents parents and children from fully understanding each other. The ego enlarges our feelings of self‑importance and worth. It blinds us to reality ... and working out our repentance.” (Ensign May 1994)

With each event, we ask these questions:

How will the event or person hurt US?

Will this embarrass US or isolate us?

Could this event make us feel less worthwhile?

Notice the questions are really all about whether the event will affect WHETHER WE FEEL LOVED. It comes down to that basic need and fear nearly every time.

And this judgment usually occurs without our being aware of it. The instant someone criticizes us, we unconsciously judge what that means for US:

• Will I look stupid or bad in the eyes of a critic or other people?
• Will people value me less? (Love me less?)
• Will love be withdrawn from ME?

If we judge that an event will negatively affect our sense of worth the feeling that follows is IMMEDIATELY determined.

We feel pain and fear. Period.

To illustrate: If we are criticized while we don’t feel sufficiently filled with the pure love of Christ, we WILL judge that any criticism or harsh behavior from another person will result in our being less worthwhile (Judgment). We then FEEL less worthwhile and less loved. That WILL lead to pain and fear (Feelings), followed by Protecting Behaviors (Reactions). That’s all wrapped up in PCSD, which traps us all our lives.

But we are RARELY conscious of the Judgement or Feeling, only this:

So then what do we do? If we don’t like how we FEEL in response to an event, it’s only natural that we try to change the EVENT—we try to change circumstances or the other person. And how does that work out?

It NEVER goes well to control other people and outcomes, because (1) WE adopt an attitude of blaming other people and things, (2) we stay selfish and stuck, and (3) we are endlessly frustrated as we try to control or run from people and circumstances. When we blame people and things for how we feel and behave, we are VOLUNTEERING to give up our agency—insane, considering that we voted FOR agency in the premortal world. We give up our own agency and instead try to control the agency of other people, the world around us, even God as our prayers turn into demands rather than tender supplications for guidance. This attitude never turns out well.

We really can change our judgments from selfish assessments of how things will affect US to TRUTHFUL and grateful assessments of how things really are, with an eternal perspective. When we truly realize that we are the children of God, and that we can become everything He is, our judgments naturally become truthful and grateful. We know that no matter what happens around us, we already have the greatest treasure of all. We regularly partake of the tree of life, we live in the light of its boughs, and we are not tempted by the noise and partying of the great and spacious building, nor are we “tossed” (James 1:6) by the tempests of the world swirling around us.

Moroni describes the great and last battle of the Nephites, and tells us that his father Mormon was killed. He said that the Lamanites hunted his people from city to city, adding, “I alone remain alone to write the sad tale of the destruction of my people ... And whether they will slay me, I know not ... [And] what happens to me is not important.” Why? Because, he says, “I soon go to rest in the paradise of God ... and I am brought forth triumphant through the air, to meet you before the pleasing bar of the great Jehovah, the Eternal Judge.” (Mormon 8:3-4, 7; Moroni 10:34)

How could we experience events in life more difficult than Moroni did? And he said—with some paraphrasing—“It just doesn’t matter what happens to me because God my Father loves me, and I will meet Him in triumph when I die.” Now THAT is a example of a beautiful judgment: God loves me, I will meet Him triumphantly and be with Him forever.

No matter what happens, he (Moroni) knows his eternal future. So even in the face of war, and blood, and death, his judgment remains the same. What feeling automatically follows that judgment? Joy, gratitude, rejoicing. And his response is to remain diligent and faithful to the end.

Why? All because of his JUDGMENT.

So what perspective can change all of OUR judgments, perhaps a little less dramatically than Moroni learned to change his—and sooner? (I did promise that we’d get to this soon, remember?)

It turns out that you already have changed your perspective at least once—and thoroughly so—in Chapter Two, where I told you the story of the drowning man. You might remember:

You’re sitting by the pool

Guy in pool is splashing you and getting you wet.

You get irritated and stand up to say something, and BAM! you see he’s drowning. Oops.

Let’s look at what happened.

The initial EVENT was SPLASHING. You thought that the SPLASHING was irritating. You went straight from the EVENT (splashing) and shot right through to your reaction (anger).

Anger protects us—a Protecting Behavior—as we talked about extensively in Chapters Two and Three. Anger, by the way, is NOT a primary feeling. It is a REACTION to pain or discomfort or inconvenience or fear.

Back to the pool story. Then you saw that the man was drowning.

Remember again the Event-Judgment-Feeling-Reaction cascade.

In an instant your JUDGMENT changed from “This guy is a selfish jerk because he’s inconveniencing ME” (not being considerate of me, not caring about me, not loving me) to “Wow, he’s dying and needs help.” BIG change in judgment.

WHAT WAS THE NEW JUDGMENT? THE TRUTH.

Nearly all of our judgments are about how an event affects US PERSONALLY.

But that judgment is incomplete, based entirely on our selfish pain and desires.

If we simply change our judgment to the TRUTH—not a complicated transformation—our feelings and behaviors become rational, reasonable, loving.

The TRUTH is that the man is drowning. This is not a matter of thinking POSITIVELY, just being truthful, and this TRUE JUDGMENT changes the way we feel about and respond to everything.

Now, BECAUSE of your change in judgment about the man in the pool, instead of FEELING hurt or inconvenienced, immediately you felt compassion, and your REACTION changed to helping, or loving. That all happened in under a second.

Imagine that: you went from angry to CARING—with no effort, no apologies, no guilt. Freakishly cool.

What if you could change your judgments about your children and your parenting in a similar way? You CAN, using the TRUTH as a guide.

Before I talk about changing our judgments as parents, why do I suggest that we change judgments instead of reactions or behaviors? Don’t scriptures often just say, “Keep the commandments. Be a good person. Be loving. Stop doing bad things”? Yes, they do say that, those are all just changing reactions or choices.  

Why don’t the scriptures talk about changing our perspective or judgment, as we’ve just discussed? Oh, they do. Moroni just gave us an example. 

Another example? I’m sure you remember that after Alma the younger and the sons of Mosiah were converted from their wickedness, the sons of Mosiah went to their father the king and asked for permission to go and preach the word of God to “their brethren, the Lamanites.” (Mosiah 28:1)

They did this so that the hatred between the Lamanites and Nephites could be healed, and so they could all rejoice in the Lord their God without contention. We read that “They could not bear the thought that any human soul would perish or be tormented.” (Mosiah 28:2-3)

We know that when they proposed this mission, the people laughed and said they were crazy to try to teach the Lamanites, who “were proud and delighted in wickedness and in the shedding of blood.” The Nephites even suggested destroying the Lamanites before the Lamanites could destroy them. (Alma 26:23)

Here are two VERY different reactions to the same event, which was the wickedness and murderous nature of the Lamanites. (1) The sons of Mosiah wanted to preach to them, while (2) most of the Nephites laughed at that and wanted to destroy the Lamanites instead. WHY the difference between #1 and #2? The difference was in the different JUDGMENTS made by Mosiah’s kids and the rest of the Nephites. The JUDGMENT was chosen.

Let’s look at it again: First let’s look at the attitude and behavior of the majority of the Nephite people, considering Event-Judgment-Feeling-Reaction:

Event? Wicked and murderous Lamanites. (No denying the truth of the event)

Judgment: They’re the enemy. We’ll be killed. (Alma 26:23)

Feeling: FEAR (pretty understandable to be afraid of being killed)

Reaction: Kill ‘em all.

Now, the judgment of the sons of Mosiah about the same event, using Event-Judgment-Feeling-Reaction:

Event: Same, wicked and murderous Lamanites

Judgment: Ah, here’s the difference. We read that the sons of Mosiah (Mosiah 28) wanted

to go and preach the word of God to “their brethren,” the Lamanites.

AND

“They could not bear the thought that any human soul would perish or be tormented.”

THOSE are JUDGMENTS. The sons of Mosiah CHOSE to see the Lamanites as their brethren and fellow human souls who were suffering and likely to perish.

That’s quite different from the overall Nephite judgment: “They’re the enemy. We’ll be killed. (which of course is the ultimate “I don’t love you.”)

What was the FEELING of the sons of Mosiah after that judgment? Compassion, eagerness to serve the Lamanites

Reaction (CHOICE): Let us go and love and teach them.

To see the power of judgment, consider what teaching alone had done to that point. Everybody at the time of the sons of Mosiah had been told that it was their responsibility to preach the gospel to every nation, kindred, tongue, and people. They knew it then, just as we know it now. But despite the commandment, there were no volunteers to teach the Lamanites. Yes, the Nephites did want to go on a mission to the Lamanites but only to kill them. The sons of Mosiah wanted to go, and to love and teach their brethren, because they chose a different JUDGMENT.

Another example of changing judgments:

In the New Testament Christ asked Peter three times if he loved him. After Peter vigorously protested that he did, Christ said, “Ok then, feed my sheep.” (John 21:16-17) Christ gave Peter a different perspective—a different judgment—of the people he’d be serving. Peter had been around the Savior long enough to notice that in response to Christ’s perfect love, most people were still skeptical, angry, and even wanted to kill Him. So, when Christ talked about teaching people, Peter had to be thinking some version of, “Teach these knuckleheads? These people who in all the world are the only ones who would kill their own God, the Messiah who came to fulfill all the words of the law and the prophets? (2 Nephi 10:3) Teach these people led by foolish and ‘blind guides’ who ‘strain at a gnat’ while swallowing a camel? (Matthew 23:24)

So Christ instructed Peter not only to preach the gospel but to change his judgment of the people he would teach: to see them as the sheep or lambs or children of the Savior. This big change in judgment led Peter to a lifetime of loving service and eventual martyrdom.

We have all been told to change our Judgments in many ways. We worry and fuss about the inconveniences of this world, we grieve excessively over our losses, we hold resentment and anger close to our hearts, and we treasure up things that rust and fade away, but the Apostle John says that after all our trials here, after all our opportunities to learn, “God shall wipe away all tears from [your] eyes; and there will be no more death, or sorrow, or crying, nor will there be any more pain ...” (Revelation 21:4) He might also have said, “Oh, little children, come unto Christ and live. The pain of this life is ‘but a moment’ (2 Corinthians 4:17), and everything will “give [us] experience and be for [our] good.” (D&C 122:7)

So, we HAVE been told to change our Judgments or perspectives.

President Henry B. Eyring described an occasion when a member of his ward drove drunk through a glass wall and into the lobby of a bank. He said, “As I waited to speak to him in the bishop’s office, I planned what I would say to make him feel remorseful for the way he had broken his covenants and embarrassed the Church. But as I sat looking at him, I heard a voice in my mind say, just as clearly as if someone were speaking to me, “I’m going to let you see him as I see him.” And then, for a brief moment, his whole appearance changed. I saw not a confused young man but a bright, noble son of God. I suddenly felt the Lord’s love for him. That vision changed our conversation. It also changed me.” (Ensign May 2017) A change in judgment changed the feeling, the response, and even the event (in retrospect).

President Eyring talked about another occasion when he was frustrated at the behavior of a child and grabbed him “by his little shoulders.” But the Spirit told him, “You are holding a great person.” His attitude changed, and now he is grateful that the Holy Ghost would change his Judgment and “let me see a child of God as He saw him.” (Ensign May 2017, General Women’s Session)

Elder Dale G. Renlund said, “To effectively serve others we must see them through a parent’s eyes, through Heavenly Father’s eyes. Only then can we begin to comprehend the true worth of a soul ... and comfort those who stand in need of comfort ... We need eyes that see, ears that hear, and hearts that know and feel if we are to accomplish the rescue so frequently encouraged by President Thomas S. Monson.” (Ensign Nov 2015)

So yes, we have been told to change our JUDGMENTS.

AND

We need to change our judgments first because it just does not work well or consistently or for long to try to change the Events, Feelings or Reactions without changing our Judgments.

Event

Let’s look at the success of changing EVENTS—circumstances and people. Nope, we talked about that. It does not work to control other people and things to make us happy

How about changing the FEELING? (Here I’m talking about emotional feelings, not the “feelings” associated with revelation.)

Consider a couple of examples we’ve already discussed:

1. Remember the story of the man splashing you at the pool, the man who turned out to be drowning. Let’s try simply changing the feeling. I will just command you not to be bothered by the water being splashed on your clothing: “Get over it,” I say. “Change your feeling. Don’t feel inconvenienced or disrespected or annoyed.” That DOES NOT WORK, not for long. You ARE wet and inconvenienced. Then you tend to go straight to the reaction of irritated.
2. The sons of Mosiah teaching the Lamanites. We could just tell Mosiah’s boys NOT to be afraid WHILE they have the judgment that the Lamanites are bloodthirsty and want to kill them. Nah.

How about changing the REACTION? 1. Once you have the feeling that you’re being inconvenienced and disrespected (not loved), the reaction is automatic, like all Protecting Behaviors are. I can’t just tell you while you’re being injured to buck up and be happy (change your reaction). I could try to command you to be loving while you’re afraid, but it won’t work.

The Nephites who laughed at Mosiah’s sons were AFRAID of being killed. So what if I tell them to get over it and just go preach the gospel to them anyway. If I had sufficient authority, a command might work, but not for long. Their hearts wouldn’t be in it, and they’d run at the first sign of danger.

NO, it comes back to changing the judgment, which changes everything. And this also works for us as we parent our children.

To illustrate:

When our children are defending themselves, we tend to say they are:

• Frustrating
• Maddening
• Difficult
• Rebellious

These are all Judgments, after which we FEEL disrespected, ignored, less worthwhile, less competent, not confident. All that is painful, and then we become afraid of failing as parents and looking bad as people.

Once we have those feelings, we WILL respond badly. We will:

• control them (power and safety)
• criticize them and get angry (for more power and safety and control)
• Lie, blaming them instead of taking responsibility for our own inability to love and teach them.
• Act like victims: 

“I’m so tired of you acting blabla.”

“I’m so sick of telling you to blabla.”

“When will those kids listen?”

“They are so ungrateful.” And on and on.     

"What do I have to do to get you to XX?"

"Quit it. You're really getting on my nerves now."

So, what we believe—our judgments—is everything in determining how we feel and how we respond to things and people—like our children, for example. 

But what if NONE of these judgments above is true? What if we had these true judgments instead?

“My son is so unhappy. His anger proves it. He’s not trying to be difficult. He’s just hurting and afraid.”

“My children argue and fight a lot. And then I get angry and tell them to stop. It’s like putting out a fire with gasoline. They’re just in pain.”

Judgments like that would change everything, wouldn’t they?

Let’s go back to Amanda and those two kids, 6 and 8 y.o., from Chapter Two. Brief reminder:

She said, “My six- and eight-year-old fight with each other all the time. They argue about everything. I’ve told them to stop a million times, yelled at them, punished them, but nothing works.”

In Chapter Two I gave one example of how loving those kids dramatically changed the conflict, but that was one occasion, and real life is more complex. One loving experience doesn’t change a lifetime of pain and judgments.

So, now picture that the 6 and 8 year old are in the next room loudly arguing . . . AGAIN. And Amanda begins to steam: “I am so sick of those two . . . ” Sound familiar?

Here’s a trick question: WHY is she angry? Because they’re fighting? You’re too smart to fall for that. Amanda is angry because SHE doesn’t feel loved herself. AMANDA is in pain—from a lifetime of not being lovedandtaught, from hurt and PCSD. We’ve discussed this.

But in addition, she has a JUDGMENT error. When they fight, she JUDGES that:

1. They are inconvenient and will force her to get up from (whatever she’s doing) and have to address this unpleasantness (which she doesn’t know how to do)
2. They’re going to do this for the rest of her life and inconvenience her and embarrass her
3. That their arguing means she is a bad mother.

These are all JUDGMENTS of the event (fighting)

ME:

I talked to her about those judgments.

As I listed them, immediately she began to smile. Why would she SMILE? I was telling her that how she was seeing her children was wrong, wrong, wrong, and she LIKED it? YES, because she could FEEL that I was loving her as I was teaching her. Then she didn’t have to defend herself, so she could realize how selfishly she was seeing her children. She was judging them only in ways that negatively affected HER (selfish Judgments), as opposed to how she could LoveandTeach them (TRUE judgments).

I asked about her childhood.

She’d never been loved—mostly simple neglect but with some parental anger and criticism. Fairly average childhood, really, but one that had taught her the judgments that the world is harsh, events must be controlled, and she was not safe. Understandably, she had then been defensive in various ways all her life—PCSD. She had always bounced around in confusion between controlling, irritated, and people-pleasing.

I pointed out how her judgments about her children came from a lifetime of fear, NOT from her kids.

This sequence is so tempting:

A child makes a mistake.

Immediately you get annoyed.

MUST be the child who caused your irritation, yes?

After all, that IS how it works if a bowling ball falls on your foot. Ball, fall, pain, had to be ball.

But NO, that is not the case with people. Past wounds accumulate, and then any event in the present piles on top of all that pain, pushes us over the edge (the last straw breaking the camel’s back), and the tiny event in the present triggers a lifetime of PCSD. Really, this is how it works. I’ve seen it thousands of times.

Initially, Amanda didn’t like hearing this about herself and her attitude toward her children, but she could see it was true, and that was a relief. That is why she was smiling.

What judgments did Amanda learn as a child?

The world is:

Harsh, demanding, painful

Ugly, critical, lonely, terrifying,

What judgments did she learn about herself?

Defective, unlovable, incapable

So guess how her relationships went, with her ex-husband, with employers, with her children. Not hard to imagine, with her walking around wounded all the time.

Event-Judgment-Feeling-Reaction

Every time somebody spoke to her (EVENTS) with anything other than tenderness and compassion—which were rare qualities from anybody she knew—she made all the JUDGMENTS I just stated.

With those judgments, what FEELINGS would she have with almost any event (from friends, parents, and her own children)? PAIN and FEAR

Reactions? Defending, arguing, anger, withdrawal—all the qualities making relationships impossible with boyfriends, coworkers, bosses, everybody—including her children

Amanda was TAUGHT her judgments. She didn’t choose them.

She was taught that the world was not loving, so in that condition EVERY inconvenience or loud noise or whatever became intolerable. It added to her already-considerable pain, and of course in the moment, any inconvenience APPEARED to be the cause of her pain. We almost always blame whatever is closest in time and space.

I asked Amanda if she WANTED to be irritated by her children all the time.

She thought that was a strange question, but she said No.

When we feel unconditionally loved, we have the greatest treasure. Nephi and Lehi both made that point powerfully. When we feel loved, they said, we are partaking of the tree of life, whose fruit is:

"desirable to make one happy." (1 Nephi 8:10)

"most sweet, above all" (1 Nephi 8:11)

"the most desirable above all things." (1 Nephi 11:22)

"the most joyous to the soul." (1 Nephi 11:23)

In that condition, while partaking of that fruit, all inconveniences are just that, inconveniences, minor events—not irritations. With love we have what we need—we’ve already won the lottery—so everything else is minor by comparison. In that condition of fearlessness—which comes from love—it’s easy to change judgments.

Back to Amanda:

From that moment, Amanda began to see her children differently. Oh sure, she made mistakes. When she got tired, or distracted by the many other burdens and difficulties of life, she would forget her chosen perspective and fall back into old judgments. Naturally. But now that she’d seen the truth, and FELT loved, she chose the truth more regularly by the day. That’s all we CAN do.

Notice that Amanda became a MUCH better mother by doing two things:

1. Intellectual: Changed her judgment
2. Emotional: She felt loved

The two are synergistic. The more loved she felt, the easier it was to change her judgment. The more she saw the judgments she was making, the easier it was for her to feel loved and to be loving toward her children.

YOU are learning to change your judgments about yourself and about your children. If you keep doing that, you WIN. The jackpot. If you don’t, you will find loving pretty impossible, and both you and your children will pay for that with profound and persistent unhappiness.

The biggest judgment we struggle with, the one almost always involved when we’re having negative feelings and behaving badly, is this: I am defective. How can we change that?

We need to change OLD judgments—based on pain and fear—to NEW Judgments that are grounded in the truth and love.

Old, wrong judgments lead to pain, fear, protecting, and PCSD, True, loving judgments lead to “peace and happiness in this life and eternal life in the world to come.” (D&C 59:23)

Let’s look at an example from the Book of Mormon.

From birth almost all Lamanites were taught that the Nephites:

caused them to be driven from Jerusalem

wronged them in the wilderness

wronged them crossing the sea

wronged them in America when they arrived

stole the leadership of the descendants of Lehi

stole the records on the plates of brass

(Mosiah 10:12-13)

Those were all old judgments that the Nephites were dangerous and out to destroy the Lamanites.

With those old judgments, the Lamanites felt cheated, hurt, threatened, afraid, entitled, and right—for hundreds of years.

Those feelings led immediately to the Lamanites adopting a defensive stance toward the Nephites in everything, so they believed that when they attacked and killed Nephites, they were really just defending themselves. We read in Mosiah that they did “all they could to destroy [the Nephites]” and “they have an eternal hatred towards the children of Nephi.” (Mosiah 10:11-17)

The Lamanites were utterly stuck in the events and judgments and feelings of the past, which led to their present-day hatred of the Nephites.

This is exactly what happened with Amanda.

Past events (not loved, criticized, ridiculed, ignored) →

led to Old judgments (worthless, unloved) →

Old Feelings (pain, fear, small) →

Old Reactions (defense)

Old reactions MAKE SENSE in the light of past events and judgments.

But when does Event-Judgment-Feeling-Reaction turn into PCSD (Chapter Three)?

Like this:

Present events then trigger the following pattern:

This isn’t some clever psychobabble I’m describing. People with PCSD or PTSD are transported into the past, so effectively they react to the present as though they were IN the past. Present events BECOME Old Events: Present Events → Old Events

Every time Amanda’s children argued or fought, she felt helpless and weak. Those feelings were so closely similar to the helplessness and lack of love from her childhood that she reacted to her children with the same pain and fear she’d known all during her young life. She became defensive and angry, and communicated even more to her children that she didn’t love them. They responded—in turn—to the threat of not being loved, and the cycle spiraled immediately. This cycle of PCSD is just as real as the PTSD experienced by the assaulted woman we spoke of earlier, or like soldiers returned from battle.

Most of us are triggered like this all day long: still reacting to past events and judgments and feelings. It’s an endless cycle of PSCD.

What can we do?

Again, the only effective first step is to change past judgments.

We have to change past judgments to NEW Judgments. How?

Let’s look at AMANDA’s example. I showed her how to change her judgments.

That’s good but still intellectual.

At the same time I taught Amanda, I also LOVED her. How? Kissed her on cheek? No. Used words?

Yes, some. Earlier I described some of the words I used with her.

As I loved and taught her, I was giving her GENUINELY NEW events—she was being loved and taught at the same time, while she made lots of mistakes. This was NEW. AND as she felt loved (nothing special about me, it could have been you loving her), she said, “So this is how God loves me?” YES. But way better.

That understanding taught her more about God’s love than anything she had ever read or heard. We need EXPERIENCE with the pure love of Christ—even imperfectly from human beings—WAY more than we need another sermon about it. We’ve talked a LOT already in previous chapters about how the love we experience from each other can and should prepare us for feeling the love of God.

With NEW EVENTS, Amanda could create ENTIRELY NEW JUDGMENTS. These new judgments are unspeakably powerful in creating an environment where people can willingly, lastingly repent. New Events and Judgments are the natural result of following President Hinckley’s counsel that every member needs “three things: a friend, a responsibility, and the word of God.” (Ensign, Feb 1999) All three of those together accomplish that beneficial result. All three together spell “love and teach.”

What kind of New Judgments could Amanda now adopt?

• I can make mistakes and still be loved.
• I can make mistakes and LEARN instead of feeling less worthwhile.
• If I can be loved while making mistakes, how can I ever lose?
• I can feel worthwhile all the time.
• I’m kind of invincible. Isn’t that the goal in this life? To reach the point, after faith and love, to realize that, in the words of Paul, (Philippians 4:13) “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

So with those NEW JUDGMENTS, what are her NEW FEELINGS?

In the past she was in pain and afraid all the time. But now what does Amanda have to fear? NOTHING. Perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18)

Now what need does she have for Protecting Behaviors? None.

Now she can begin to react to everything differently—making different CHOICES, instead of just reacting.

Event-Judgment-Feeling-Reaction

Now what happens with Amanda and her children?

If AMANDA isn’t afraid and using Protecting Behaviors with her children:

1. She can finally SEE her children clearly—again, changing her JUDGMENT, but this time from a place of emotional security and strength, not just an intellectual realization. BECAUSE she’s not protecting HERSELF, she can SEE them as God’s children, and see them as her privilege to love and teach, and then real parenting finally becomes possible.
2. THEY don’t need to feel afraid of her, and they don’t need to bring their own Protecting Behaviors to the table.
3. There is no Perfect Storm of Protecting Behaviors and PCSD, which is the case with most parents and children, as we talked about in Chapter Three.

In a relatively short period of time, instead of Amanda seeing her children as inconvenient, and disobedient, and snotty, she saw them as drowning and needy. She felt compassion for them and began to choose to love and teach them. It was and is a full-blown, parting-of-the-Red-Sea miracle.

New Events include both loving and TEACHING.

THAT is why we teach people the gospel: to CHANGE PEOPLE’S JUDGMENTS or perspectives. Not so they can recite scriptures or mechanically talk about the Atonement.

But we cannot teach people life changing principles if they don’t feel loved. Without love, it all becomes empty words or even threatening, and people will disregard what they’re taught or defend themselves against it.

All this happened for Amanda in real life. Her story is real, and it is much like the story of thousands of others. How can it happen for YOU?

You can’t love and teach your children until YOU feel loved and change YOUR judgments. Our children need US to love and teach them—which is not going to happen at school or with friends. But we can’t give what we don’t have ourselves. So where do we get it?

FINDING LOVE

We have firmly established the crucial role of feeling loved before we can:

Fully exercise our agency

Fully engage in repentance

Make genuine choices, rather than simply react to people and situations

Love others, including our children.

That really puts a bull’s eye on feeling loved as a critical early step in staying on the path to eternal life, doesn’t it? If people don’t know what love FEELS like, it simply is not enough to tell them:

Keep the commandments

Be diligent

Have faith

Make good decisions

Be loving

The entire history of mankind has proven what I just said. We’ve had the commandments from the beginning, and overall we haven’t exactly embraced them with enthusiastic, lasting devotion. That’s just an observable, verifiable fact. Read the scriptures for proof, or pick up a newspaper—any day will do.

It’s tempting to say that we just need to grab hold of the iron rod and press forward—a rather mechanical and uninspiring instruction—until we reach the love of God, which is found at the tree of life. Let’s read what Lehi and Nephi said about that.

In Nephi’s account he immediately looked and saw a tree, and again it was exceedingly white (light) and also beautiful. (1 Nephi 11:10)

The angel asked Nephi what the tree meant, and Nephi said, “It is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men.” (1 Nephi 11:21-22)

After seeing the love of God, and the Son of God, then he saw the rod of iron.

Lehi was motivated simply by seeing and feeling the love and light of God, which SHED itself abroad in the hearts of men. The meaning of the word “shed” has changed considerably from when Joseph Smith wrote it in the English of 1829. Today the word is used primarily to mean dropping off or giving off, as in the shedding of blood, or a snake shedding its skin, or a dog shedding hair. 200 years ago it meant to pour out or to flow outward, like the sun sheds light on the earth, or a brilliant teacher sheds light on the subject.

The tree of life poured out—“abroad,” widely—the love of God into the hearts of the children of men who were at some distance from the tree. That light attracted people. Lehi moved forward to partake of the fruit without any mention of the rod of iron. He felt God’s love before he got to the source of it, and so can we. In fact, until we can feel love to some extent, there is little motivation to pursue it. At the very least we must be relatively free of pain and fear, so we can come out of the mists of darkness and SEE or feel the light of the tree.

The tree of life is the love of God, so it’s obvious that the greatest source of love in the universe is found in the Father and the Son, and through the ministry of the Holy Ghost. AND connecting directly to that pure love of Christ as human beings is very difficult in the midst of the influences of the world. Babylon is a very loud and distracting place.

God knew that feeling His love would require considerable faith—and even be difficult in the beginning—so He has always given us means by which we could draw closer to Him when we couldn’t come to Him directly.

He’s always pointing us toward Him, toward His perfect love and mercy, helping us wherever we ARE spiritually and emotionally. He’s done this with the gospel as a whole. Mormon said that the Nephites “still kept the law of Moses and those outward performances ... [because it helped them to] look forward to the coming of Christ.” (Alma 25:15)

Moses raised up a serpent in the wilderness to help the people see that Christ will be lifted up when he comes, and that just as people lived when they looked on the serpent, so would they have eternal life if they looked to the Son of God with faith and humility. (Helaman 8:13-15)

We have talked about this subject here and there, but now we’re LISTING the ways we can find the pure love of Christ.

First Source of the Pure Love of Christ: Other People

When I say “first source” I don’t mean “most important,” or purest, or best. I mean “first” as in “before the second.” What is the first step in climbing a mountain? The one at the bottom, the one you take first. So the first step here in finding the pure love of Christ is to find that love in people.

And why wouldn’t we be a source of love for each other? Who better to introduce anybody to God’s love than one of His children? That’s US. We introduce each other to God’s love. How better to feel His love, and how better to prepare to become like Him as we become conduits for His love to others? And what fun for us.

In Chapter One, we read what President Thomas S. Monson said: “The greatest force in this world today is the power of God as it works through man.” (Ensign May 1988) Many people—most—will not feel the love of God directly, either through ignorance or because of the mists of darkness that obscure their view of the light pouring from the tree of life. In many cases, though, they will first feel God’s love working through US as mortals.

We are here to serve as reflections of His love. We are created in His image, after all. We are like mirrors out in the world, reflecting the light and love from the tree of life to those who are lost in the “dark and dreary waste,” even the “mists of darkness.” 

Elder Richard G. Scott of the Twelve said that it is easier for so many in the world to develop faith in a loving Father in Heaven when they have US “to love them in a similar way. Giving them confidence in your love can help them develop faith in God’s love.” (Ensign May 2014) We need the love and support of those who can act in the name of Christ as they give us the pure love of Christ. How could that possibly make any more sense?

Finally, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said in one General Conference that he was speaking “with the conviction Peter called the ‘more sure word of prophecy.’ What was once a tiny seed of belief for me has grown into the tree of life, so if your faith is a little tested in this or any season, I invite you to lean on mine.” (Ensign May 2013)

In the same way that Elder Holland offered His faith to lean on as we progressed toward faith in Christ, so do we all have the opportunity to lean on the tree of life and love grown by others until we can plant and grow our own. We also can BE that tree of life for others to lean on. Alma taught that we can all grow our own tree, as Elder Holland just echoed. It’s not just a metaphor. (Alma 32:40-42; 33:23)

This discussion about finding love from each other is PIVOTAL, because until we actually find this love that is the key to everything, all the rest of the words of this entire training are just words—intellectually interesting but not leading “unto salvation.” (2 Timothy 3:15) Without love, these words become no more than noise, like pieces of metal banging together, which Paul said we all become without the pure love of Christ (1 Corinthians 13:1).

Loving Ourselves

Many people talk about “loving ourselves,” or self-love.

In psychology and self-help literature and seminars, it is almost an axiom—an obvious, self-evident truth—that we need to love ourselves, and we need to love ourselves before we can love others. It’s meant to sound logical and wise, but loving ourselves is a myth.

Here’s the problem with loving yourself. You can’t give to yourself what you don’t already have. It’s a law.

Imagine that you’re in the desert dying of thirst. I walk up to you and say, “What’s the matter with you? Why don’t you just give yourself a drink?” If you managed to restrain yourself and not hit me, at the very least you’d be thinking, “Are you kidding me? You thought that didn’t occur to me?”

If you had a drink to give yourself, you would have. If you had love already, you wouldn’t need help loving your children and everybody else. But you don’t have enough love to give. That’s why you’re here.

Now, it’s true that the more love you get from others, the happier you’ll be. You’ll be more accepting of your flaws—you’ll lose some of your self-loathing—but that is not the same as loving yourself unconditionally. We need the love of others.

Now, back to:

HOW Do we Find Love from Others?

The process of finding people to love us is not complicated. It’s unfamiliar, and for that reason it can seem scary, but it’s not complicated.

If you hide away in a cave somewhere by yourself, there is no chance of you feeling loved by anyone. That should be obvious. Why? Because nobody can SEE you, and you can’t FEEL seen or loved while hiding. We can begin to demonstrate this process using this written flow:

When you come out of the cave, and you allow people to see who you really are—the TRUTH about you—you create the possibility of feeling seen, accepted, and loved. Allowing people to see who you really are is another way of saying that you will tell the truth about yourself and who you really are, flaws and all. More about that shortly.

Now let’s look at the same flow:

Truth → Seen → Accepted → Loved

But backward:

Loved → Accepted → Seen → Truth

1. What we all want is to feel unconditionally LOVED. No doubt about that.
2. But we can’t feel loved—we can’t feel like people genuinely care about our happiness—unless first they ACCEPT who we are, who we really are.
3. We can’t feel as though they accept who we really are unless we let them SEE who we are,
4. and that is impossible unless we tell the TRUTH about ourselves.

Now let’s make the process even more obvious by asking what happens if we’re NOT truthful about who we are. We can see it right here:

The moment you hide who you are, the entire process of feeling loved is impossible.

And there are SO MANY ways of hiding the truth about yourself. Anytime we present ourselves in a way that people will like us, we’re lying. We’re not being truthful.

Oh my, what heresy have I just spoken? In every magazine, most television commercials, and every Facebook page we see the message that if we are fun, popular, beautiful, wealthy, and athletic, wear the latest clothes, and listen to the best music, more people will be attracted to us, will like us, and will respect us—they’ll LOVE us more.

But the MOMENT you do ANYTHING to get people to like you, you’re manipulating them. You’re not being yourself. You’re not really telling the TRUTH. You want proof? When we do anything to get people to like us, do we EVER say, “I’m doing this so you’ll notice me and like me more”? Never. So we’re lying not only about who we are but about our intent to manipulate. Lying x 2.

And if you don’t tell the truth about yourself, what happens? We just showed that:

If you lie, if you hide, if you manipulate, you cannot feel genuinely loved. The Apostle Paul spoke of those who would attempt to build on anything but the foundation of Christ—the lies of the world, for example—and said that in the end our sins and secrets would all be revealed in the light and tested by fire. (1 Corinthians 3:13)

And we might as well practice being truthful now, because the Lord says in the first few verses introducing the Doctrine and Covenants that in the end of time all our sins and secrets will be revealed from the rooftops. (D&C 1:3)

We work so hard to be liked for being intelligent, handsome, beautiful, responsible, clever, witty, strong, wealthy, whatever. And all we get is conditional love, the kind of love we BUY from others who party in the great and spacious building and who dance in the streets of Babylon. Why do we do that? Because anything—any kind of attention—seems to feel better in the short term than no attention at all.

I got a letter from an older teenager. She wrote:

“As long as I can remember, I’ve tried to get people to like me.

I worked hard at it, and I managed to have a group of friends in high school.

But then in college I had to start over: I had to buy and wear the right clothes, had to fix my hair the way my new friends did, go to parties I didn’t enjoy, drink like everybody else, and then wake up hung over in the morning wishing I hadn’t gone at all. There was always something missing. I could see that my friends weren’t happy. I wasn’t happy.

I realized that I wasn’t being myself. It was all a show, and I was sick of it.

Then my mother taught me what she was learning in the Parenting Training. Now I wear clothes I like. I put makeup on if I feel like it, and I put on a nice pair of shoes if I just like how they look to me. I like being myself. My circle of friends has gotten smaller—some people just disappeared when I didn’t meet their standards—but the friends I have left are way better. I feel close to them. I talk to them about how I really feel, and they’re more open with me too.

This telling the truth stuff is pretty great.”

Only by telling the truth about ourselves do we create that sequence that can lead to pure love, to finding people who really care about us:

Truth → Seen → Accepted → Loved

Paraphrasing only a little what the Lord said to Moroni, “Because you have SEEN your weakness, you will be made strong.” (Ether 12:37) The Lord doesn’t make us stronger because we HAVE weakness. Weakness simply gives us an opportunity to:

1. Be humble and teachable by the Spirit as we see our weaknesses and tell the truth about them
2. To connect with the love of other people as they see and accept us WITH our weakness
3. To be an example of honesty and repentance to others who otherwise would not see the way out of their trials, and who need a companion in their journey

So why do we NOT tell the truth? Why do we lie, as I mentioned in an earlier chapter, 3-5 times per minute?

Because the great and spacious building is a pretty FUN place. No, it’s not the tree of life, but if we’re lost in the mists of darkness, the dancing lights of that great building look pretty attractive. We like the attention.

From the time we’re very young—age 2 and younger—we notice what behaviors result in the smiles of other people.

We learn what pleases people, and what doesn’t.

We learn what we can put on Facebook and Instagram that results in more “Likes” and Comments.

Dating sites are little more than institutionalized lying, with immediate feedback for the lies we tell. There are even sites where we compare the superficial qualities of people side by side, and we swipe them to the left or right as “better” or “worse.” Effectively, we discard people according to their UNenduring qualities that rust and decay. Meat markets are more personal.

Early in life we learn to hide our fears—even from ourselves—our flaws, our mistakes, our age, our weight, our jobs, EVERYTHING—all to earn the Imitation Love of acceptance. And yet anything other than the pure love of Christ never works, never fills the emptiness that gnaws at our souls, never gives us a taste of God’s perfect love.

We could ask, So what? So what if we lie all the time? Everybody does it. It matters—very much—because our lies put us in an artificial world where we are alone. We can’t feel loved in that place. And the better we are at deceiving ourselves and others, the worse it is.

The ultimate disaster of lying about who we are is when we SUCCEED. We portray ourselves in a way that if we are ACCEPTED, we’re accepted for being something we’re NOT, and deep inside we know it. That deception eats us up. Every year very public people—with all the success in the world—kill themselves (it’s all over the media), and people wonder why?

It’s not a mystery. They killed themselves because all the successful deception yields them nothing. They were alone because nobody really SAW them. When they die, their friends are interviewed and almost uniformly say how sudden the death was, how surprising. No, not a surprise. The friends—often other stars playing the same deceptive game—saw only their outward, superficial mask, which was a prison for them. Our need to be seen for who we are is a CORE need. It has to be filled, because until we are seen for who we really are, how can we possibly feel accepted and loved for who we really are.

Uncounted people have said to me with tears running down their faces, “You get me. You understand me. Nobody has ever done that.” Let me emphasize that I’m not extra clever. I just don’t care about the outside image, and people know it. I’ve known many people with money, exceptional beauty, or world-class talent, and they are almost always isolated by their gifts, because people see only what they can DO for them rather than who they ARE.

You will create the opportunities to be unconditionally loved only as you tell people the truth about your mistakes, flaws, fears, and foolishness, as well as your successes (all of who you are)—and allow other people to accept and love you as you are. Understandably, you’ve likely been reluctant to do that, because you know what has happened on the many occasions when people (mostly parents) did learn about your flaws—your bad grades, dirty room, the dish you broke, when you hit your sister, when you got in trouble at school, or whatever. People were consistently disappointed in you or angry with you when they learned about your mistakes. We all experienced those looks and tones of voice that communicated disappointment, irritation, and even disgust.

You remember those painful experiences vividly—or at least you are left with the imprint of the FEELINGS of those experiences, maybe not the specific events (because in some kind of ultimate irony we’re often too young to remember the most traumatizing experiences). So you’re anxious to avoid repeating those experiences and feelings. You’ve learned to withdraw more and hide yourself—by lying, by hiding, with intimidation, people pleasing, any number of ways of pretending or defending. Ironically, however, when you hide to avoid pain, you guarantee that you’ll feel alone and unloved—the worst pain.

Delightfully, there is a way out of this awful pattern of fear and hiding. You can do this.

You can exercise a little courage and faith and make a decision to BEGIN telling the truth about yourself to people—not everywhere, not to everyone but just to a few people in the beginning—regardless of the painful experiences you’ve had in the past and the fear you’re likely experiencing now.

Paul told the Galatians to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2) And what are the greatest burdens we carry? Our fears, lies, anger, resentments, offenses, and shame, which are all Protecting Behaviors and their precursors. As we share these burdens—as we tell the truth about our selfish protecting—we fulfill the law of Christ, which is summed up in the word love.

Additionally, we know from Chapters One and Two that our Protecting Behaviors are our sins, and in Proverbs we read, “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13)

Choosing Wise Men and Women

I use the term Wise Men to refer to people who can be accepting and loving as you share the truth about yourself. Wise men can be men or women, but I tend to use the term “wise man” only because it’s shorter. A wise man is anyone who is capable of seeing you clearly, accepting you, and unconditionally caring about your happiness as you share who you really are with them—flaws and all.

I’m talking about simple openness, which most of us have never done. I’m not suggesting that you share deep, dark secrets. Not the moral transgressions you probably need to share with your bishop. Just fears, flaws, mistakes, incidents of being confused, being afraid, over‑reacting, being defensive, people pleasing, being demanding, or anything that is not loving in a Christ-like way. These are the insidious “little” things that lead us away from the tree of life and into the places where light and love are scarce. Satan doesn’t begin by telling us to murder or rob a bank. He begins by convincing us that being irritated at a child is “normal” and justifiable, and that we don’t really need to talk to anyone about our anger or the lifetime of pain and fear that generated it.

How do you pick WHO you tell the truth to? You want someone who is capable of seeing you, accepting you, and loving you no matter what you say or do. That’s a very tall order, and it’s too vague, so let me suggest some general and specific characteristics that will serve you very well in your search.

Wise men don’t need you to make them happy. Regrettably, that quality alone eliminates almost everyone you know from your potential pool of wise men. Now, it’s true that we do all need SOMEONE to love us—even many people—but a wise man recognizes that he or she does not have the right to require love from any one person—like you—or group of people. How do you know when people need you and will therefore be likely to use you instead of seeing you? There are lots of ways to discern this, and usually they’re easy to spot.

Rarely are family members able to love us unconditionally. That seems counter-intuitive, so why do I say it?

If we don’t feel unconditionally loved already—you likely don’t, or you wouldn’t be listening to this—that condition began in our families. We’ve talked about that a lot. Our families, especially our parents—are the most likely origin of our pain. There is no blaming in this, just a statement of what is. Our parents did the best they could.

And our parents and the rest of our family tend to share a common social and emotional culture—a way of seeing people, a way of judging them, a set of criteria for conditional approval—that we are a part of. If we attempt to depart from that culture, and especially if we hint in any way that that culture might not be loving, family members strongly tend NOT to be accepting, and our experiment with finding unconditional love from them usually goes badly.

Another reason that family members tend not to be good wise men is that a wise person cannot NEED our love. If someone needs you to love them, any attention they give you will strongly—perhaps unavoidably—tend to be trading attention, and that is not unconditional love.

Old Friends

Old friends are similar to family members in many ways.

Usually we choose friends—and they choose us—based on what we get from each other, which is the very definition of conditional love or trading. So, with friends we’ve already established a pattern of earning and trading approval, and unconscious lies are a very common way to do that. In other words, we choose friends who will lie to us and are willing to be lied to. If you sit back and watch people talk, you’ll see this. It’s so common that people have no idea that they’re doing it. Friendships are generally a place where we have established a mutually acceptable commerce in Protecting Behaviors. These are not great conditions for finding unconditional love.

We saw this perpetuation of incorrect beliefs illustrated on uncounted occasions among the Lamanites, who, “because of the traditions of their fathers ... remained in their state of ignorance,” darkness, pain, and suffering. (Alma 9:16)

Moreover, we choose friends who tend to have values similar to our own, and if we now attempt to change those perspectives or judgments—which is the object of this Training—old friends tend to resist such changes in us. They resist our leaving the cultural or social “herd” or “tribe.” Sometimes they even feel criticized. There are exceptions, so we’ll keep talking more about qualities to look for in wise men.

Our Children

NEVER look for unconditional love from your children. Regrettably we do. When I ask adults who unconditionally loves them, often the response is, “My children.” I feel sorry for the children. I mentioned that if someone NEEDS us, their love can’t be unconditional, and children certainly need us.

Parenting is a unique relationship. The love is one-way. WE love our children. Period. We do NOT get love from them. If we do get love from them, it will end up being a trade—conditional trade—and they can’t feel whole if the love they get is conditional. They can only get a sense of conditional approval.

But we really DO expect love from our kids.

Sometimes we CALL it love, other times we call it obedience, gratitude, respect, cooperation, affection.

In fact, the PRIMARY reason most parents HAVE children is to have someone to love them.

I once watched a 16-year-old single girl who was asked what she was going to do with her pregnancy—adoption, keep the child, abortion. “Oh, I’m having my baby, because then I’ll have somebody to love me.” That will be a nightmare for the child. Children are not equipped to love parents, and the burdens of the expectations for love are crushing.

It’s definitely unremarkable—to the point of being NORMAL—when parents do expect love from kids. How many bedtimes have you seen where one parent or other says, “Come give Mommy a kiss.” What could be wrong with that? Sweet and innocent, right? NO. If you doubt that, watch what happens when the child resists the parent. The parent’s demands escalate, the expectations are obvious. We demand love from them. (We’ll talk more about this in a future chapter)

We can’t get Real Love from them. Why?

1. They don’t have it, because we didn’t give it to them
2. Real Love is caring about another without expecting anything in return. There is simply no way that a child can love a parent without conditions. Children need us too much. Of course they want something in return. They want love from us.

So if we can’t get unconditional love from our children, we tend to squeeze them for imitations of love:

• Obedience (power, safety)
• Gratitude (praise)
• Respect (praise, power, safety)
• Cooperation (power, safety)
• Affection (praise) (“give mommy a kiss”)

If you want to learn to love and teach your children, it begins with telling the truth about yourself with other ADULTS, and getting from THEM—not from your children—the pure love you need.

Some people might protest, “But we SHOULD be able to get love from our families.” YES, maybe, but “should” does not create reality. If it did, we’d all be making twice our present income for half the work, because our definition of “should” generally is what we WANT, not what is just or true.

We’ve talked about one criterion to use in excluding people from our list of potential wise men: That they NEED US to make them happy.

Another criterion is similar. We need to avoid looking for unconditional love in people who need other people in general to make them happy. Neediness tends to make us blind. Elizabeth Bowen said, “"Nobody speaks the truth when there's something they must have." To put a fine point on it, if I need you for any reason—validation, gratitude, a sense of worth, praise—I will be blind to who you really are. I will see in you only what I need.

You can maximize your chances of finding a wise man by looking for people who feel loved, who see people clearly, and who are genuinely happy. Few people possess these qualities all the time, but we can look for people who demonstrate them enough that we can have some degree of confidence in their ability to accept us when we tell the truth.

Here are just a few examples of people who demonstrate a need to use people.

• They’re critical and express disappointment in the behavior of others. Often it’s condescending. Disappointment and irritation are always signs of expectations not being met, which makes unconditional love impossible.
• They regularly talk about their virtues and accomplishments. People only do that when they need praise from the people around them—including you.
• They have a strong need to be right. They argue to be right, which demonstrates a need for praise and power. They want you and others to be on their side. They can’t love unconditionally when they NEED your approval and agreement.
• They’re quick to give advice and want to know whether you followed it. They’re also offended if you don’t do as they suggest. They’re enjoying Imitation Love in the form of praise and power.
• They get irritated fairly easily—at other drivers, at the inconvenience of children, and more. These people have a strong need to control people, and you’ll be one of them.
• They complain or whine. They feel victimized by any inconvenience or perceived insult. Their focus on themselves makes it impossible for them to focus on the truth you're telling.

People who behave in these ways are not bad, but they do need something from you and others, which makes them incapable of seeing you. Also keep in mind that when you demonstrate these behaviors, you’re not capable of being a wise man for others.

Unfortunately, we do tend to seek unconditional acceptance from people who need us. For example, we may choose our spouses to tell the truth to. It seems logical that we should be able to pour out our hearts to our spouses and expect them to see and accept us—after all, didn’t we exchange vows to love each other more than anyone else? Yes, but if two people have not been sufficiently loved unconditionally, it doesn’t matter what promises they’ve made to each other—they still don’t have the Real Love their partner needs, and all their expectations to the contrary can lead only to disappointment and frustration. Spouses can be wise men for each other—a wonderful experience—but that is sometimes not possible in the beginning when they’re both relatively empty and desperately need each other. (Not recommending lying to partners)

Who to Look FOR

We’ve talked about which people generally are not productive as wise men. Time to talk about the qualities to look FOR in a wise person.

1. Peaceful

There is no substitute for peace. Jesus said, “In me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation.” (John 16:33) “My peace I give unto you,” (John 14:27) he said, and added that we must be without fear. Truly, He is the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). I’ve known a great many brilliant, clever, accomplished, wealthy, and famous people, but I’ve met very few that are genuinely peaceful.

Why is this quality so important? Because it’s the opposite of empty and afraid. People who are peaceful are not distracted by their own needs and fears, so they are then FREE to SEE YOU as you are. People who are in pain, empty, and afraid can see only what you might do TO them, or what you could do FOR them. Such people can’t see you. Peaceful people can, and you need to feel seen and accepted before you can feel unconditionally loved.

2. Confident

Not arrogant. Confident. Sure of who they are. If I am certain of who I am, if I know that I am beloved as a child of God, then I have something to share with you. If I’m not confident, I’m afraid, so in some way I will use you or defend myself against you.

Notice how simple those two qualities are. I didn’t say to look for the person at church who lights up and gushes all over you when he/she sees you in the foyer. That MIGHT be genuine, but just as often it’s a way to please people and gain their approval. Stick with peaceful and confident and an overall lack of Protecting Behaviors.

Experiment

But no matter how thoroughly I describe qualities to seek and to avoid in a wise person, the best way to find one is to tell the truth. Your honesty is like BAIT for a wise person. They’re attracted to it.

A crazy cool element of this experiment is that not only do you FIND wise men by telling the truth about yourself. You also CREATE them in the same way. When you are truthful at first, you will not know for certain whether people will unconditionally accept you. They won’t know, either. Most of the people around you have no idea whether they’re capable of being wise men. They find that out, and they practice their skills, only as people like you share the truth about themselves. Without your faith and courage, many people won’t be given the opportunity to see, accept, and love others.

Just as you can’t know who will be a hero in battle until you’re in battle and a need arises, so you won’t know who will see and accept you until you offer people the opportunity to demonstrate those abilities. That is how wise men are created. They come forward when there is a need. When you tell the truth, some people will respond with acceptance. We all have an inborn desire to love one another, and if in a given moment we’re not empty and afraid, we will naturally accept and love people when they’re telling the truth. As we all tell the truth about ourselves, we help one another develop our natural tendency to accept and love people.

What Reactions Are You Looking For?

How do wise people respond to your telling the truth?

1. They LISTEN.

Suppose you say, “I don’t read the scriptures much. I don’t feel anything when I do.”

The other person say, “Me either. I know I’m supposed to, but I don’t.”

Certainly it’s commendable that the other person didn’t criticize you or give you a “You should read the scriptures more” lecture, but without thinking they changed the subject from you to THEM. That’s not likely to be someone who will see you clearly. They’re distracted by their own stuff. I’m also not suggesting that you give up. You might try on another occasion to be truthful, perhaps about a different subject.

2. They’re not enabling. People don’t mean to do it—they’re often unaware—but very commonly they tell us what we want to hear. If we complain, they complain with us. They try to make us feel good, and they don’t really care if what they say is true.

Example:

A mother came to me and talked about her children. After a long list of her failings as a mother, she finally said, “I’m a terrible mother.”

Now, at this point what do people routinely say?

“Oh, no, you’re a great mother.”

“Everybody knows you’re a great mother.”

“You’re being way too hard on yourself.”

They’re enabling her, encouraging her not to consider the truth.

What did I say?

“Yes, you really are a lousy mother. Clueless. And it’s not your fault. Nobody ever taught you, but now you have a chance to learn how to change all that.” She cried for a good while, and finally said, “What a relief.” She’d always KNOWN that she had no idea how to parent, but nobody had ever listened to her. She was dying to hear the truth, and I did that. Then she was free to learn HOW to be a good parent.

3. True wise people do NOT give us sympathy. Unfortunately, it’s what we often think we want, and almost everybody has been trained from childhood to give it.

Example: A relative of somebody we know dies

So what CAN you say to someone whose relative has died?

• Look at THEM.
• LISTEN
• Ask them how THEY are doing.

Story of Sarah and Finding Wise Person

Let’s see if a story helps you cement the need for wise people in your life.

I know a woman named Sarah, who was having difficulties with her husband and children. As she described her circumstances, it became obvious in about sixty seconds that she controlled EVERYTHING and everyone around her. She didn’t feel safe—from a lifetime of being criticized and controlled—so she responded by controlling everything she could. That gave her a brief illusion of safety and power, but it never lasted, and it certainly didn’t contribute to closeness in any of her relationships.

In frustration, she said, “I don’t know what to do.”

I said: “You don’t trust anybody.”

“Yes, I do,” she said.

To all of you: Pay attention to how people behave, not just their words. Her words described how unfair her life was. Her behavior—anger and arguing with me—proved that she wasn’t interested in learning, only in being right.

Clearly she did NOT trust anybody, because her entire being was defensive and attacking all day. Was she aware that she was controlling and arguing? No.

You might think that she couldn’t miss the hundreds of clues she left around every day—the emotionally mangled and dead bodies of her family, for example. After all, she was THERE for all the times she controlled, and other people certainly behaved as though she were controlling. How could she not see it?

Because in her tightly controlled world, where she was always right, it would be unacceptable for her to be seen as controlling. No, if she admitted that, she couldn’t hold the moral high ground in blaming everyone else. So what did she do? She continued to control, but she used “trying to do the right thing” and “helping other people to do the right thing” as her cover story. She really thought she was trying to do good in the world. She was completely self-deceived.

You need to know that when people are self-deceived, by definition they are not aware of it. If they KNEW they were deceiving themselves, that would be just ordinary, garden-variety lying. But this woman—like most people caught in the trap of pain and PCSD—lived in a tiny, protected world where she defined everything she did and everything that happened to her.

She just relabeled everything to fit into the world she had constructed to make her safe and confident, however superficially. So:

• What was really controlling became in her world “helping people.”
• Anger became “a passion to do the right thing.”
• Impatience became “eagerness to motivate people.”
• Always being right became “trying to keep people informed.”
• And on and on.

So is there a way out of self-deception? If you live in your own tiny box, where you have created the space and constructed all the furniture, how would you ever realize that you were IN such a box?

You’d have to get the help of someone Not-in-the-box. You’d need someone to care about you enough to tell you the truth. And someone with the insight to see you. And someone who had the COURAGE to tell you the truth. It’s hard to find someone with such courage, because if you’re self-deceived, you will NOT receive the news about it gladly. You’ll defend yourself, and most people aren’t willing to continue telling the truth while being attacked.

How would you find such a person? Look for someone who gives strong indications of self-worth, who doesn’t need to please other people, and who seems to have a clear direction in life without controlling other people. In short, look for someone not buzzing with Getting and Protecting Behaviors, and ASK that person if they’d be willing to help you see the truth. Preferably someone familiar with this training, only because such a person would tend to know what to look for.

It is nearly impossible for us to spot our own self-deception. To do that alone usually requires our box to be destroyed: serious illness, drug addiction, near death, suicidal thoughts, and so on. But we can learn WITHOUT all those horrifying conditions. We can find wise people who will help us see what we’re believing and doing that is hurting us and our children.

Most of us are self-deceived, and very few of us ever realize it. If you find yourself stressed much of the time, and you don’t know why, it’s highly likely that you’re self-deceived. It’s a very common condition. Do whatever it takes to wake up, for your own benefit and for the well-being of those around you, including your children.

Risks of Telling the Truth

If we persist in telling the truth about ourselves, we’ll find wise men and women all around us. Of course, telling the truth requires faith on our part, because we simply can’t know which people will accept us until we actually take the risk of telling people who we are. You can’t learn to play the piano until you take the risk of making lots of mistakes.

It takes great faith—or trust—to tell the truth about yourself despite being afraid.

Let’s be honest here: When you’re more honest about yourself, is it possible that some people won’t accept you? YES, but who cares? Those people would never have accepted who you really are anyway, so what’s the loss? If you’re willing to take the risk and be more open—initially just a little, with just a few people—you WILL find people who do love you. These loving experiences will convince you that you are worth loving without doing anything to earn it. Feeling worthwhile changes everything.

You become happy.

You become capable of loving your partner, your children, others.

As a result of the unconditional love of others, you’ll learn that you are infinitely worthwhile, and you will experience true happiness.

Pick a friend and tell one truth, perhaps your fear of being around people, your fear of being vulnerable, your fear of not being good enough. Share a few of the mistakes in your life. I will give you examples to choose from. That might be a bit frightening in the beginning, but if you’ll do it anyway—that’s the faith part—you will eventually find people who will accept you, and then you’ll begin to know the feeling of being loved and the profound joy you’ve always wanted. It all becomes possible when you start being honest despite your fear—faith again.

Allow me to borrow a parable taught by Jesus. As you hear it, consider that the seeds He speaks about might be the truth about yourself.

Jesus said, A farmer went out to sow, and some of the seeds fell on the footpath, and the birds came and ate them. Some fell on rocky places, where there was little soil, and they sprouted quickly, because the soil was shallow. And when the sun rose, they were burned, and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them. But others fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some a hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. (Matthew 13:3-8)

As you tell the truth about yourself, it’s true that some people will not like you, just as some seeds sown in a field will fall on the road or on rocky places or among thorns, where they won’t sprout, or they’ll sprout but not long survive. Should a farmer then plant no seeds, for fear that some of them might not grow? Ridiculous. He will plant anyway, knowing that only by planting can he create the opportunity for some seeds to grow and produce an abundant harvest. And he knows that one price for a rich harvest is that some seeds will fail. It’s the price of doing business.

And that’s the natural risk of truth telling. If you want a harvest, you have to plant the seeds.

HOW to Tell the Truth About Yourself

Now, finally, how do we do this truth telling? We’re NOT accustomed to doing this. Proof? Every once in a long while, someone in General Conference shares some vulnerable truth about himself or herself, and that is so unusual that it’s the talk of Church members for the next six months. Or the same occurs in sacrament meeting, and you could hear a pin drop.

What to Say—and When

I have actually given you examples of people telling the truth about themselves throughout the training to this point:

• Alma and the sons of Mosiah traveling throughout Zarahemla confessing their sins publicly.
• President Nelson describing how his granddaughter-in-law told the truth about her spiritual struggles during the last days of her father.
• President Eyring grabbing a child by “his little shoulders” in anger and then being taught a different judgment by the Spirit.
• The mother, Amanda, who confessed her inability—after a “million times”—to love and teach her children how to love instead of fighting.
• The Ethiopian man who told Philip, “No, I don’t understand what I’m reading. Without help, how could I?” (Acts 8:26-40)
• The teenage girl in Chapter One who described feeling trapped, hating her parents, hating church, and more.
• Jenny, the mother in Chapter One who admitted that she was overwhelmed by the job of parenting and couldn’t even help her son, Billy, stop whining.
• Mark, from Chapter Two, who described a descent from full activity in the Church to a life ruled by addictions and despair.
• Rebecca, the teenager in Chapter Two, who talked about her terror of failing a class presentation.
• The mother from Canada, from Chapter Two, who described her children fighting and not feeling loved.
• And more. Didn’t know you’d heard so many examples of truth telling already, did you?

In every case I just mentioned, someone patiently, lovingly LISTENED to the person telling the truth. They felt accepted and loved, and then the wise person TAUGHT them what they needed to know, which they could hear in great part because of the love they felt.

• Best example of truth telling so far, however, has perhaps escaped your notice. It’s YOU. As you’ve been listening, you’ve realized some of your mistakes as a parent and as a person, and you’ve admitted them to yourself. You have also FELT the understanding and acceptance offered in the words of this Training. You’re on your way.

We’re going to review some additional examples of telling the truth now, not to imply that you should tell the truth this way or about these things, but mostly to give you a flavor about what personal honesty looks and feels like. It’s not as important that you say the “right” words as it is that you persist in trying to share who you are, and you’ll have many opportunities to do that.

We’re all commonly asked, for example, “How are you?”

Most people who ask this question don’t really care, and they fully expect you just to say, “Fine, and you?”

But you might try an experiment. With somebody possessing some of the qualities of a wise man that we’ve mentioned, instead of just saying, “Fine,” say something with substance.

For example, you might say:

“I’m a little pre-occupied. Been having some problems with my son.”

“Kind of exhausted. Probably too involved in some things I don’t need to be doing.”

Certainly I don’t recommend doing this with everyone who asks you how you are, but if you do it occasionally, you’ll find people who are interested in the truth about you. Most people will say something meaningless like, “Sorry to hear it.”

Or “Yeah, kids can be a real problem.”

Or “Life really can be exhausting, can’t it?”

But occasionally somebody will say something like:

“Tell me about your son.”

“Exhaustion is pretty draining. It can suck the joy out of life. Tell me about it.”

The more you try this experiment, the more likely you are to find a wise person.

As we find wise men, we need to tell the truth about ourselves more frequently and more directly. After a lifetime of insufficient Real Love, we need more than an occasional experience with love before we can find the happiness we’re looking for. If we don’t feed our bodies every day, we become weak and can even die. There is no less urgency about feeding our souls. In the beginning we need to make contact with a wise person every day. Get in the habit of making regular phone calls and, even better, meet with wise men in person. Video calls are also pretty good.

Let’s look at more examples of truth telling. Once you start practicing, you’ll see that we have opportunities every day to tell the truth.

An example:

It’s as common as dirt to hear people talking about their kids and complaining about how difficult they are. They might say:

“Yeah, that kid of mine doesn’t do a thing he’s told.”

OR

“My kids just fight and argue all day. I don’t know what to do about it.”

OR

“That kid is on his phone all day long. It’s like talking to a wall.”

When people talk like that, what is the Usual response of the other people in the conversation (probably you’ve done it)? The other parent says, “Yeah, That age is just terrible. They don’t listen to anything. My kid doesn’t. And then their friends make it worse. It’s impossible.” However people respond, it’s usually negative and victimy, and there’s lot of sympathy, even disgust.

In this kind of whining, complaining discussion, what kind of connection is there between the people talking? None. Not a real connection. Whining and complaining don’t bind people together. It’s just trading victimhood, sympathy, drama, and entertainment.

SO, what would be an example of telling the truth? This example is a little different from most, because you are not STARTING the conversation. Somebody else is complaining about their child—NOT telling the truth about themselves—but you can use this as an opportunity to tell the truth about YOU. (And this example about truth telling is specifically about parenting)

Let’s start over with the same example. Someone complains about their bratty, ungrateful child, but this time, instead of complaining right along with them, you respond with the knowledge you’ve gained about Real Love and a desire to practice telling the truth about yourself.

You might say: “I’ve had some of the same problems with my son. But it’s beginning to change. No kidding. I learned that every time my kid behaves badly, he’s just in pain. He’s reacting to the pain of not feeling worthwhile, not feeling important, not feeling loved unconditionally. Who knew? I never knew that, so I used to just make things worse when he acted out. You know how it goes: your kid does something stupid, you get irritated, he acts worse, you start yelling, and it turns into a war. So I learned to respond differently to him. The more I really listen to him, touch him, look him in the eye, and care about him, and teach him without any anger, the less he behaves badly. It’s a miracle. All this time, I’ve been hurting him with my anger, so now I’m learning how to do this differently, and it’s working.”

You might be thinking: “Oh, I could never say all that.”

(Yes, that’s a mouthful, but you could use just two sentences of that)

You could say: “Yeah, my kid behaved a lot like that, and then I learned that I was the cause of it just by not listening and paying attention to him.” EASY—actually one sentence. Not a full explanation on your part, but it’s a start, and if the other person wants to know more, they WILL ASK. And suddenly you’ll be having a genuine conversation, instead of complaining, and you’ll be both finding a wise person and BEING a wise person.

If you tell the truth about yourself with confidence—no guilt, no victimhood, no play for sympathy, no lecture, no trying to convince them of anything—the person you’re talking to will uniformly go one of THREE ways:

They might look at you like you have two heads. On the whole, people simply don’t talk like this. They don’t admit the truth. They don’t admit being wrong. They NEVER take responsibility for their children’s behavior. Pretty much never, so your friend will change the subject to football, or shopping, or the weather, or go back to complaining about their child. Anything but being genuine and vulnerable.

And why wouldn’t they? They simply have no experience with a real conversation involving vulnerability. They might not say anything at all, but you’ll see that they’d rather change the subject, a facial expression indicating that they don’t know what planet you’re from.

Meaning? They’re not ready to hear the truth. SO WHAT? SO you found ONE PERSON who simply isn’t capable of seeing you, accepting you, and loving you. Or somebody who just doesn’t want to learn more about themselves.

No Big deal. Solution? NEXT. Just move on to another person, and you WILL find somebody. Don’t force it.

OR

I know, since THEY don’t know how to parent THEIR kids, how could they possibly argue with you, right?

Because If you say that YOUR child’s behavior was due to YOUR not listening and loving, they might hear an accusation—which you did not make—that somehow THEIR child’s behavior is due to THEIR not being loving. Some parents—nearly all parents—cannot tolerate that possibility. Why? A great many parents had children for two reasons:

1. To have someone to love them. WRONG
2. To have a role in life, to be important, to matter.

So the idea that they might not have been loving parents is FAR too much for most parents. It assaults their sense of worth as a person and a parent, so they have to argue:

“Oh, I don’t think that’s true.”

“That seems kind of simplistic.”

OR (more sneaky)

“Oh no, you’re a great parent. You can’t blame yourself for the decisions your children make. Teenagers make their own choices.”

Of course they would be defending you but ONLY became THEY don’t want to admit their own unloving mistakes.

What is the meaning of their arguing? They’re not ready to hear the truth. Again, SO WHAT? So you found ONE PERSON who simply isn’t capable of seeing you, accepting you, and loving you. Big deal. Solution? NEXT. Just move on to another person, and you WILL find somebody.

Possibility #3

SOME people—might not be many, but ONE is enough—will be utterly fascinated by your telling the truth. This connection between parents who want to learn happens every day around the world. Truth is an eternal thing. The truth you tell resonates with other truths and with those who seek the truth. People who want to learn FEEL the truth. They’re dying to listen to somebody who is authentic. They are so drawn to someone who speaks the truth, almost regardless of what the truth is. I have seen people utterly drawn to people who are convicts, who have gone bankrupt, who have made terrible mistakes—BECAUSE they’re truthful about it. We are drawn to the TRUTH—whatever it is. It connects us, just as the D&C teaches us that the light of Christ fills the universe and connects everything and everyone. It only makes sense from the vision of the tree of life that the light of Christ and the love of Christ and the truth of Christ would all be connected, and would connect us to each other as we embrace them. ((Doctrine and Covenants 88:12, 6-7; 84:45)

Some people might say to you, “Where in the world have you been learning that?” And now you’re having a meaningful conversation about what’s TRUE. You can tell them about this Training, and you’d have a common interest and language (Remember, I make no money if you or anybody takes this Training)

Oh, it gets better than the other person just being fascinated. You’ve found someone with whom you MIGHT be able to continue telling the truth. You’ve found someone with whom you can complete this process:

THIS is how you find people to love you unconditionally, and people for YOU to practice loving.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE of TRUTH TELLING in the process of finding wise men and women:

A man says to you, “My wife is so demanding. Nothing is ever good enough. Nags me about everything.”

Natural tendency: You might say, “How do you stand it? Mine does that too. Can you believe how ungrateful people can be sometimes?”

OR “Yeah, women. Can’t live with them. Can’t kill ‘em.”

What is the connection between two people who complain together? Nothing. No more connection than two people standing in the rain together are connected just because they’re both soaked to the skin. Complaining and victimhood do not create genuine connection.

What truth could you possibly tell about yourself in such a situation?

YOU: “I’ve learned some stuff about my marriage. I discovered that my wife nagged me only because I wasn’t listening. I always blamed her, but it was usually ME. So I started to really listen to her, pay attention to her, and I’m amazed. She doesn’t nag me anymore, not when I listen.”

ANOTHER EXAMPLE of Truth Telling:

Somebody says: “All my daughter does is stay in her room and text and live on Facebook (or any of other uncounted apps). All day, late into the night she’s on her phone. I’ve talked to her, yelled at her, but nothing makes any difference. It’s exhausting. And it’s not helping her grades or her attitude.”

You might say (others do): “I know, right? It’s like they’re zombies, glued to their phone and can’t do anything else. They don’t even hear you when you talk to them.”

OR You might: “I don’t know what to do either. I’m lost when it comes to raising a teenage kid. It’s like she’s on another planet.”

OR Example of Truth: “I’m learning that everybody just wants to feel loved. Everybody. My kids, your kids, us as adults. And we just don’t know how to find it. I know that often I express disappointment and frustration with my child, and that can only come across like I’m telling her that she’s defective, and that I love her less when she behaves badly. It hurts her, and I’m beginning to learn how to stop it.”

This might seem like a lot. Like preaching. But it’s NOT. In most cases you’re commenting on a conversation the other person started, and you’re describing what YOU are learning and doing. And exactly what do you have to lose?

If the other person is confused by you, or outright rejects your thoughts, what have you lost? They weren’t going to love you unconditionally anyway, and now you’ve just LEARNED that. You can’t lose by telling the truth to people you select as at least being possible listeners. At worst, you lose the illusion that you had a real relationship with this person.

In some respects, it’s like sales. If you’re selling real estate, insurance, soap or brushes door to door (reflecting my age), the only way to make sales is to make a great number of sales pitches that FAIL.

Brilliant. Think about it. For every step you take at the top of the mountain, you took several thousand NOT at the top. Failure is just part of learning, growing, finding what you want in life. Do you really want to feel loved? Then accept that most people will not understand you, or accept you, and tell the truth anyway. Tell the truth about yourself at every opportunity. I’ve described only a few possible examples of truth telling. There are so many more.

Following are a few other examples of some things you could say (just so you get a feel for how this truth telling looks). These examples are different from the others in that YOU might be starting the conversation, or modifying one that has begun.

• “For a long time my son has had a terrible attitude about a lot of things: school, his chores around the house, the family. And I’ve really been leaning on him to shape up—restricting him, getting mad at him, stuff like that. Now I’m beginning to see that his attitude is really a reaction to me. All he ever wanted was for me to love him no matter what he did, and I haven’t done very well at that. Instead when he screws up, I usually get irritated at him, and then he can see that I don’t love him unconditionally. I didn’t understand until recently how much that has hurt him. I thought I was a much better father than I really have been.” (That’s long version. You’d probably only share that much truth with someone you’ve practiced with before, but you could do a shorter version with anybody.)
• “My wife did something last night that I didn’t like, and I got angry—as usual. But I’ve been thinking about that lately—and reading about it. We’ve been growing further apart for years, and I’ve always blamed her for that. Now I’m beginning to think that maybe she’s not the problem. I haven’t been a very loving husband. I’ve been selfish and critical, sometimes distant—much more concerned about what I wanted than what would make her happy. That’s a sobering thought.” (People WILL react to that)
• “For all these years, I’ve been working to accumulate all the things I could: money, house, cars, job, the usual. But I’m starting to think I’ve missed something. I haven’t paid as much attention to my relationships as I should have.”
• (This example is usually a response to somebody saying another person got angry at them) “I’ve been taking a course that says that when people get angry, they’re just protecting themselves. I’ve been thinking about that, because I’ve always blamed everybody else for making me angry, and that has never made me happy or helped my relationships. Little embarrassing, but I’m realizing that I have a lot to learn about relationships.”
• “Yesterday my boss was being a real jerk at work, and I was getting madder and madder, but then I remembered that I’ve acted like that many times—at work and at home. When I act badly, I always have a great excuse, but I don’t let other people have their difficult moments.”
• “The other day my daughter was having a fit about something, and I started to get angry at her. But then I remembered that kids just want to feel loved, so I put my arms around her and held her, and her little fit stopped—immediately. Miraculous. I can’t count how many times my being angry at her has made things a lot worse.”

Who talks like this? Nobody. Lying and hiding—almost always unconscious—have become NORMAL, so if somebody is completely honest, it’s weird, almost jarring. I know a woman who was asked in a job application to describe her failings. Usual answer? Perfectionist, sometime too devoted to work (all stuff that workplaces actually REWARD you for, so not really truthful. This woman wrote that (1) she sometimes gets frustrated by managers who make an assignment and then change their mind about the job after a lot of wasted time and effort. (2) She said that she hates participating in office gossip, and sometimes coworkers don’t like her for refusing to gossip with them. (3) Afraid of failing, which sometimes leads to her doing what she thinks will make her look good, instead of doing what the company needs.

NOBODY talks like that in a job interview. Result? They could have thought she was weird and simply passed on her application, but no, she was hired to a different position, managerial, and much higher pay. Nobody tells the truth like that, and SOME people are irresistibly drawn to it. Why? They know they can trust you. They know that they’re getting what they see. What a relief for them. And THAT—her hiring being an example—is just one illustration of the benefits of TTAS.

Telling the truth about yourself isn’t weird. It’s HEALTHY—it’s how we were meant to live—but we’ve all been hiding who we really are for so long that hiding and lying have become NORMAL.

Think about this: When did your parents ever say these words to you as a child, “That was my mistake. I was wrong.”? How often? I’ve talked to thousands of people and asked them that question, and the answer was—within a margin of error of 1/2%—NEVER. They never heard their parents admit being wrong, without an excuse or blaming somebody else. So we grew up learning that hiding our mistakes—called lying—is the way to live. We learned to automatically blame or defend.

I fully realize that most of you cannot imagine telling the truth like I’ve been describing. But you can learn. I learned how. Tens of thousands of others have learned from the examples I just described. And if all those people can learn to be honest—creating the possibility of unconditional acceptance—so can you.

HERE is the point. We spend our entire lives trying to look good to other people. Duh. When we’ve been ourselves—with our flaws and mistakes—we’ve not been accepted. Instead we’ve been criticized or belittled, and we hate that. But the moment we change our behavior to avoid people’s disapproval, we are trying to be SOMEBODY or something ELSE, and then we can never feel accepted for who we are.

Solution?

I GET the risk of telling the truth. People might not like us. Disapprove, be condescending, critical. They might gossip about us. We saw that all our lives.

So, we’re usually afraid to start doing this crazy thing, telling the truth about ourselves—frightened by past and vast experience—even though the potential benefits of telling the truth about ourselves are enormous: feeling loved and being genuinely happy. We hide who we are because of fears learned in childhood, a time when our view of the world and ourselves was formed. We keep lying or hiding behind carefully constructed images because we’re AFRAID of the risk that people might not like us if they learned the truth about us. But let’s examine the real risk involved.

If you lie to other people, there is a zero% chance of your feeling unconditionally loved by them—because they don’t even know who you really are (your fault), so they certainly couldn’t love who you are. And if you’re lying or manipulating, the acceptance you get couldn’t be unconditional. Lying, hiding, or pretending gives you ZERO% chance of the love you want and need. It’s a high price to pay for nothing.

If you do tell the truth about yourself, it’s true that some people won’t accept you, but you’re creating the possibility that some people will accept you. That possibility can’t be less than the zero% yield that comes with lying, so you literally can’t lose by telling the truth. If some people don’t accept you, they can’t take love from you—they’re simply not giving it to you. So, when you tell the truth, and you’re rejected, you’re not actually losing love from anybody—you’re losing only the illusion that they might love you.

On close examination, it becomes obvious that lying is uniformly foolish, while telling the truth isn’t risky at all. If you can wrap your head around that, and remember that, it becomes much easier to exercise faith in telling the truth, and to trust that you will find people to give you the Real Love you’ve always wanted.

Truth telling in the Church

Telling the truth about yourself as a member of the Church has an added level of potential confusion. I’ve actually been told by people in the Church that there must be something wrong with telling the truth about ourselves. It must be voyeuristic in some way. It must be a cultish thing, perhaps detracting from the sacred confessions a member might make to a bishop.

Nah. Bishops are commissioned ONLY to hear members confess sins that might affect their membership in the Church, NOT to hear confessions about selfishness, anger, unloving parenting, and the like. My, if that were the case, bishops couldn’t have families or jobs.

Why are Church members often concerned about telling the truth, and personally reluctant to do that? Because we are so thoroughly acquainted with the commandments. That is a good thing, but regrettably many of us have confused LOOKING good with being good. The explosion of teen suicide in Utah is due precisely to that confusion. I’ve spoken to many of these kids, and they feel such a pressure to look good DESPITE not being equipped with the love they need to fully exercise their agency—a subject we’ve thoroughly explained previously.

There is no fault in the Church here, only a natural human tendency to find an easy road to righteousness, and the appearance of goodness is one such apparent shortcut. We are endlessly afflicted by that commandment found in Matthew, where the Savior said, “Be ye therefore perfect.” What an unbearable burden and pressure, unless we understand the rest of His message, taught throughout his premortal, mortal, and resurrected life.

President Nelson gave an entire talk on this subject of “pending perfection,” saying—among other things—that “When comparing one’s personal performance with the supreme standard of the Lord’s expectation, the reality of imperfection can at times be depressing ... We all need to remember: men are that they might have joy—not guilt trips!” (Ensign, Nov. 1995)

Elder Joseph Fielding Smith said, “We are commanded to be perfect even as our Father in heaven is perfect, [but] salvation does not come all at once ... [only] line upon line, and precept upon precept ... even then not [while] we live in this mortal life.” (Doctrines of Salvation, 2:18–19.)

We are so afraid of looking bad, but it is through our mistakes that we learn, so we HAVE to make mistakes to learn and grow, one step at a time. And as we share our mistakes with others, we grow even faster and deeper, and we feel less alone in our journey to the tree of life.

Reyna I. Aburto, counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency was talking about emotional pain in General Conference when she said, “It can happen to any of us—especially when, as believers in the plan of happiness, we place unnecessary burdens on ourselves by thinking we need to be perfect now. Such thoughts can be overwhelming. Achieving perfection is a process that will take place throughout our mortal life and beyond—and only through the grace of Jesus Christ.

In contrast, when we open up about our emotional challenges, admitting we are not perfect, we give others permission to share their struggles. Together we realize there is hope and we do not have to suffer alone. (Ensign Nov 2019)

What do the scriptures say about truth telling?

You remember Alma the younger and the four sons of Mosiah were among the unbelievers, even committing great iniquities and leading the people of the church astray. But an angel of the Lord rebuked them, knocked them to the ground, and gave them an opportunity to repent. They did, and then “they traveled throughout all the land of Zarahemla ... zealously striving to repair all the injuries they had done to the church, confessing all their sins, and publishing all the things they had seen . . .” (Mosiah 27:35) By sharing their mistakes and sins, they brought to light the darkness in their souls, and helped others to heal from the wounds they had caused, as well as helping others who had become lost as they had.

Am I recommending that we share our Protecting Behaviors—which includes a great number of our sins—with everyone? Not at all. The primary purpose for sharing who we really are with others—flaws and all—is to find the unconditional love that can follow. On the whole, then, we share our mistakes with people in order to create the OPPORTUNITY for people to accept and love us as we really are.

Where Do We Find People to Love Us?

I’ve described how you can find these wise people to see, accept, and love you. Now let me offer some resources you can access directly:

1. Immerse yourself in this website, PureLoveofChristParenting.com. Simply studying true principles again and again will put your mind and heart in a place where feeling loved is easier. Every day I get to hear from people who have FELT different as a result of doing this.
2. Eventually there will be hundreds of blogs and Support Subjects on this website that illustrate the practical principles of love and will brighten your day in ways that will surprise you. There are also hundreds of videos on RealLoveParents.com that will expand your understanding of parenting.

Tell friends about this Training, and ask them to study it with you.

As you study, you’ll have many, many opportunities as we discuss principles, and as we give examples of effective and ineffective parenting—to talk about your own mistakes, and so will the person you’re studying with. These are simply fantastic opportunities to feel seen, accepted, and unconditionally loved.

Trust it

Faith is necessary before feeling the love of God, and it’s essential to maintaining and sharing it. There’s a difference between being loved and feeling loved. We can be unconditionally loved on many occasions but never feel it if we don’t exercise the faith to accept the love we’re given. It’s a lifelong effort.

The people who love you won’t be perfect. They won’t understand you completely. Take whatever moments of acceptance you can find. Cultivate them by adding more truth about yourself. Don’t enter conversations doubting the ability of the other person to love.

The Third Source of the Pure Love of Christ: God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ

Their love gives us life, sustains us, and powers the Atonement that redeems us. There could be nothing more important than Their love. No wonder Nephi said that God’s love was "the most desirable above all things." (1 Nephi 11:22)

And the Holy Ghost communicates Their love directly to our spirits. Mormon said that the Holy Ghost “fills [us] with hope and perfect love” (Moroni. 8:26).

Paul asked, “Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will we be separated by affliction, or difficulty, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or the sword? No, nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus: not death or powers or height or depth or things to come or any creature.” (Romans 8:35-39)

Elder Rasband said, “The Lord loves to be with us. It is no coincidence that when you are feeling His Spirit and acting on first promptings that you feel Him as He promised: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” (D&C 84:88) (Ensign Nov 2017)

I know of no better opportunity for God to go before our face and for us to feel His Spirit than for us to love and teach our children, who are also His children.

President Hinckley said, “Great beyond comprehension is the love of God. He is our loving Eternal Father. Out of His love for us, He has given an eternal plan which, when followed, leads to exaltation in His kingdom. Out of His love for us, He sent His Firstborn into the world, who, out of His own divine love, gave Himself as a sacrifice for each of us. His was an incomparable gift of love to a world that largely spurned Him ... We should let love become the lodestar of our lives ... Let that divine love, shed on us, be reflected from our lives onto others of our Father’s children. (He spoke right to us as parents, didn’t he?) (Ensign May 1989)

Elder Joseph Wirthlin was visibly transformed by love in the last 2 years of his life, likely coinciding with the death of his wife—according to a conversation I had with his granddaughter. In his last year of life, he said, “Oh, it is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves us—even with all our flaws! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves, He never will.

We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won’t, for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming. (Ensign Nov 2007)

There are mountains of references to how we can feel the love of God—in scripture and in the talks of modern prophets. I’m going to focus briefly on just two of these ways: prayer and the scriptures.

Prayer:

All day I speak to people from a variety of religious faiths—or no religion at all.

Nearly all yearn for a connection to something. Some call that something God, others use other words.

Rarely do such people benefit from quoting scripture. But almost universally they have not felt the power of prayer, of communicating with God directly.

So I teach them to pray. It’s very simple, not the least bit formal.

They close their eyes—just to limit their distractions—and say some version of this: “Greg has loved me, and I can feel it. He has never lied to me, and he tells me that you are there, and that you love me—even better than any human I’ve ever known. I choose to trust him. Help me to FEEL YOU, to feel your love.

And then they just open themselves to the possibility of feeling him. I recommend that they not expect some grand vision, just the tender feelings of a loving Father—feelings that seem eternal or Divine or uplifting. A great many succeed in feeling Him.

I recommend something similar to you. I know all the formalities of prayer that are appropriate in groups and elsewhere, but there is something very intimate about simply asking our Father in heaven to help us feel His love.

This is almost exactly the prayer of the king of all the Lamanites, the father of Lamoni, who was taught the first principles of the gospel by Aaron, the brother of Ammon. He was touched by the love of Ammon and of Aaron, so he prayed, “O God, Aaron has told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if you are God, will you show yourself to me, and I will give away all my sins to know you and to be saved at the last day.” (Alma 22:18)

The king was not asking for a grand sign, only to feel God’s love. And he did.

Christ made an invitation to all of us when he said, “Come to me, all of you that work and carry great burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my work on your shoulders, and learn of me; because I am meek and humble, and you will find rest for your souls. My work is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28)

He is certainly not promising that we will not work. There’s plenty work involved in the process of learning and growing, but He IS saying that He will take away the great and unnecessary burdens of pain, fear, and guilt—because He loves us.

Alma suggested that we “call on his holy name and ... pray continually, [so] that you [will] be led by the Holy Spirit [to] become ... humble ... [and] full of love. (Alma 13:28) The Holy Ghost has no greater calling than to carry into our hearts the love of God. Mormon taught that the Holy Ghost “fills [us] with hope and perfect love.” (Moroni. 8:26).

The English writer John Bunyan said, "When you pray, better that your heart be without words than let your words be without a heart.” We pray to feel love—from God and for others—and knowledge is secondary.

What I’m saying is that the primary purpose of prayer is not to ask for things but to directly feel His love.

Read scriptures:

As we read the scriptures, we can feel God’s love AND the love of the prophets who wrote them. Alma said,

“I remember what the Lord has done for me, yea, even that he hath heard my prayer; yea, then do I remember his merciful arm which he extended towards me.

My joy is full.” (Alma 29:10, 13)

I can feel Alma’s love for all of us as he describes God’s love for him.

Ammon spent 14 years among the Lamanites. He was instrumental in the conversion of thousands, and in the process felt the love of God is powerful ways. At the end of his mission, he said to his brethren, “My heart is filled with joy, and I will rejoice in my God ... In his strength I can do all things ... and we will praise his name forever.”

“Never have men had such great reason to rejoice ... and my joy is carried away ... because he has all power and all wisdom, and is merciful unto salvation.”

“This is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation ... blessed is the name of my God, who has been mindful of this people ... He loves his people, and his mercy is over all the earth. This is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever.” (Alma 26:11-12, 36-37)

Jacob tells us, “Look to God with firmness of mind, and pray to him with great faith, and he will console you in your afflictions (he will love you) ... Lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast on his love.” (Jacob 3:1-2)

Why does he suggest that we receive the word of God? To intellectually satisfy us? To answer questions? No, because by reading it we can feast on His love and be happy.

As we read the scriptures, we learn the consistent pattern of how God loves us and cares for us. Some people might call that history, but it’s really an account of how God loves us.

Alma spoke to the people of Ammonihah, who had become wicked and forgotten the commandments of God. He said, “Do ye not remember that our father, Lehi, was brought out of Jerusalem by the hand of God? Do ye not remember that they were all led by him through the wilderness? And have ye forgotten so soon how many times he delivered our fathers out of the hands of their enemies, and preserved them from being destroyed, even by the hands of their own brethren? Yea, and if it had not been for his matchless power, and his mercy, and his long‑suffering towards us, we should unavoidably have been cut off from the face of the earth long before this period of time, and perhaps been consigned to a state of endless misery and woe. (Alma 9:9-11)

As we read the scriptures, we hear the language, the voice, the tone of our Father, along with the love He has for us. And THAT is why we read His word, not so much to gather pearls of principles.

Nephi spoke God’s words when he said, “I am God, and I will show the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever.” (2 Nephi 27:23) How delightful to have the scriptures to remind us that we never have to wonder if He has “tricks up his sleeve.” He will deal with us as He has with all His children. He will love and guide us always.

MEDITATION:

We have talked extensively about finding the pure love of Christ in preparation for loving and teaching your children. Now, for a moment, let’s imagine what that would feel like—a kind of meditation, if you like, which I fully realize is not a standard practice in the restored Church of Jesus Christ.

And yet the Lord and His prophets have asked us to briefly visualize events in a way that could easily be described as a meditation. At the waters of Mormon, Alma suggested that his people ask themselves if they had been “spiritually born of God.” (He asked them to imagine or visualize that). Then he asked, “Have you experienced this mighty change in your hearts? ... Can you imagine to yourselves that you hear the voice of the Lord, saying to you, Come unto me you who are blessed because your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth?” (Alma 5:16)

For just a few moments I suggest that you to close your eyes and listen. Closing your eyes is not a ritual, simply a way to eliminate visual distractions. If you’re driving, please don’t close your eyes. Instead mark the time on the audio or video, and listen again when you’re alone.

As I appear at your side and take your hand, we are carried away—without any sensation of motion—to a valley high in the mountains. It’s beautiful: filled with trees, bounded by mountain peaks, nourished by the clear water of melting snow in a stream, resonating with the songs of birds and the life energy of living creatures.

Take in a deep breath and slowly blow out all the cares you feel in the world. Feel the tension leave your muscles. Reach out and pluck away the strings that tie you to this world—worries about your job, the kids, bills to be paid, computers fixed, cars repaired. You’re free.

In the distance we see a small village, and as we walk in that direction, I tell you about the people who live there. Every one of them feels utterly, unconditionally loved. Because they have this most priceless treasure in all the world—because they feel loved, because they have the pearl of great price—they are always genuinely, profoundly happy. In this place there is no fear, or anger, or contention. No unkind words are ever spoken, not because they’re forbidden but because it would be unthinkable that such words would ever come to their minds or lips. And they have invited you because they want to share what they have with you. Why you? Well, why not?

As you arrive at the front porch, people pour out the doors and down the steps. It all feels so different from anything you’ve known that you can scarcely feel your feet touch the ground.

As you enter the house, you’re greeted by light from every window and a smile from every face. You sense with absolute certainty that the only interest of everyone in that village is your happiness. You know that there is nothing you need to do to get them to like you. They already love you as you are.

As you communicate with these new friends, you can see and feel that it doesn’t matter to them whether you’re smart or attractive or successful. Somehow you know that they truly don’t care if you say something foolish or if you make mistakes. It finally and powerfully occurs to you that it’s impossible to be embarrassed or ashamed around these people — because they love you no matter what you say or do.

Feeling safe and peaceful, you begin to tell them about your life. From the beginning, you tell them about your mistakes, your fears, your flaws, your foolishness, and your successes. You tell them everything. And they understand it all. They love it all. They laugh and cry with you. They love you.

Never in all your life have you felt this loved, nor this happy. Feel that. Allow their love to seep into your skin, your muscles, your bones. Allow it to fill your soul. This is our entire reason to be alive—to feel this way, to feel this loved. You could stay in this place forever.

And then someone enters the room, and all conversation reverently ceases. You recognize the Son of God, who obviously delights in seeing YOU. He opens his arms and says, “Come to me and inherit the kingdom prepared for you.” You laugh and rush to his embrace and never want to leave. “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” He says, “And now I give you rest from the pain and burdens of this world.” You feel, as Lehi said (2 Nephi 1:15), “redeemed from hell [and] encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.”

Christ gives no indication that His embrace will end. He is not moving on to someone else. Still holding your hand, He invites you to sit at a feast prepared for you, to “sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and all the holy prophets who have ever been since the world began,” being spotless as they are, never again to leave. (Alma 7:25) You sit at the foot of the table, but He invites you to sit at the head, at His right hand. You could never have imagined such joy.

In this moment, who are you angry with? Absurd, no one. What are you worried about? Nothing—laughable. Against whom do you feel defensive? Impossible.

Why have you lost all anger, pain, and fear? Because you feel the pure love of Christ FROM the source Himself. At some point He tells you that you have work yet to do in this mortal life, and He gently guides you into the hands of people on earth who love you as He does. You feel their love. You feel His love from them. You feel His love from the verses you absorb from the scriptures. You feel His love in a very real way as you pray, separated from Him only by ever-decreasing distractions of mortality and the imperfections of your own faith.

Everything changes. No fear, no worrying about what other people think of you, no fear of mistakes, no anger, no sense of being victimized. And yet the world itself has changed NONE. The only change is your capacity to FEEL the love offered by Him and His children around you. And you feel His love flowing through you as you share it with your children and His.

Your judgments are now completely transformed. You feel different. You make conscious choices to feel loved, to be loving, and to be responsible, and as a result you feel happy in a way that is powerful and little affected by the distractions of the world.

You just PROVED that you can feel loved—right now, in this life—and we’ll be tapping into that love more and more as you learn to love your children.