THE ESSENTIAL PRINCIPLES AND PRACTICAL APPLICATION

But We Have a Solution

What CAN you do that you haven’t tried already? What are the practical steps? This Training is a place where you can learn answers that actually work with children, and the results can be dramatic and rapid. Over a period of decades we have thoroughly tested the application of gospel principles in this practical way that you can immediately and effectively apply to your children. You have never seen parenting taught in this way, and you’ll be surprised by how powerful and fun parenting can be.

The parents who have participated in this Training have discovered that:

• They have felt the Spirit more in their individual lives.
• They have felt more intimately the pure love of Christ and the power of His Atonement.
• They have a greater desire to follow the Savior’s example in all parts of their lives.
• They feel much more confident in raising their children “unto Christ.”
• Their children feel their parents’ love more deeply.
• Their children feel the pure love of Christ and the power of His Atonement.
• Their children live the gospel far more eagerly, rather than out of obligation or obedience alone.
• Their children are happier. What more could a parent want?
• They enjoy being with their children more.
• They feel closer to their spouse.

Why Is Parenting So Hard?

We’d all like parenting to be easier. We want a pill to give them, or at the very least a nice list of things to do. Come on, would a ten-page guidebook be unreasonable? But there is no cheap and easy way to do anything lasting and meaningful. We were never promised easy. As he spoke about creating this earth for mankind, the Savior said, “We will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.” (Abraham 3:25) And he didn’t exclude all the circumstances and perils that would accompany parenting.

So why is parenting often so difficult? I suggest three factors:

FIRST Reason Parenting is Difficult: THE WORLD

The world is becoming exponentially more wicked and distracting. The various prophecies about the last days from the Lord’s anointed over millennia are horrifying.

The apostle Paul spoke of the world in which our children are now being raised when he wrote to Timothy: “In the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection ... despisers of those that are good ... heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God ...” (2 Timothy 3:1-5) Sound familiar as you look at the world?

Every day that we’re not filling our children with the love and guidance they need, they are being influenced by these people I just described, and slowly they tend to join them in that “great and spacious building.” (1 Nephi 8 and 11)

We are constantly being showered with the distractions of Babylon, greatly accelerated by the proliferation of electronic devices in ways we could not have imagined only a few years ago. These loud distractions are making it far more difficult for us—and for our children—to hear the “still small voice” of the Spirit (1 Kings 19:11–13) and to live as a “light on a hill.” (Matt. 5:14-16)

Often Latter-day Saint children are doing little better—or no better—than other kids, as indicated by multiple studies. Utah—with its singular concentration of Latter-day Saints—has the highest rate of teen suicide in the United States, with an increase of 300% in a recent nine year period. That is an epidemic. Something isn’t working.

Throughout human history individuals have been taken captive by other individuals or entire cultures who have held them involuntarily for long periods. Cut off from their family and culture, these individuals begin—step by step—to accept their new environment as their entire world. Then their captors no longer need to physically restrain them. The new voices are loud and immediately present, so they drown out the old voices and influences, however good they might have been. The captives accept the new way of life emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

When such events are reported in the news now, the stories are always dramatic, even sensational——kidnapping, human trafficking. We wonder how such things could happen, and yet we don’t recognize that our children are being kidnapped every day, right under our noses. Every day they’re exposed to the beliefs of the world—through their friends, news media, social media, and countless, easily-accessed websites of all descriptions—and if we don’t thoroughly prepare them, all these voices are so loud and insistent that our children are overwhelmed and assimilated into the culture that has taken them from us.

If we parents don’t carefully, lovingly clothe them with the “whole armor” of God (D&C 27:15), our children are kidnapped, and with each passing day they become more comfortable with the loud and convincing voices surrounding them until they discover that the “devil [has cheated] their souls” and “carefully led them” away from the path leading to eternal life. (2 Nephi 28:21)

It is our responsibility—and our joy—to sufficiently love and teach our children so they are prepared to resist and avoid the influences of the world. They learn to hear our voices and the whisperings of the Spirit so clearly that the loud voices elsewhere lose their power.

The SECOND Reason Parenting is Difficult: WE DON’T KNOW ENOUGH. We NEED HELP

Repeatedly, we are encouraged to “search” the scriptures (Alma 21:1; Alma 33:2; 3 Nephi 20:11; 3 Nephi 23:1), meaning that the messages we need often are not lying plainly on the surface.

Not long after the resurrection of the Savior, Philip encountered an Ethiopian man who was reading Isaiah while sitting in his chariot. Philip asked, “Do you understand what you’re reading?” The Ethiopian responded, “How can I without someone to guide me?” So Philip read with him and guided him, and afterward the Ethiopian was baptized and received the cleansing power of the Holy Ghost. (Acts 8:26-40)

Certainly, we have the truth from the scriptures and other gospel sources, but often we cannot glean what we need in specific circumstances “unless someone guides us.” The Lord encourages us to get more help when he says, “Seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith. (D&C 88:118)

This Training for Parenting with the Pure Love of Christ is one such “book” of wisdom. It is founded on the scriptures and the words of today’s prophets and apostles. In addition, the Training focuses on teaching children with the pure love of Christ in a way that has never been done before. These have been proven by practical application with thousands of families around the world over a period of thirty years—also by presentation at hundreds of seminars and in 20+ books read by millions. The Training simply works.

A great deal of time, practice, and experience is required for us to learn how to be great parents, and many of us never do figure it out. Some of us don’t figure it out until we’re well into grandparenting. It doesn’t have to be that way.

A THIRD REASON we find parenting difficult: It requires changes in US.

HUMILITY and COURAGE are required to face the significant ways we need to improve our parenting.

Paraphrasing only a little what the Lord said to Moroni, “Because you have SEEN your weakness, you will be made strong.” (Ether 12:37) The Lord doesn’t make us stronger because we HAVE weakness. Not at all. But he does know that our weaknesses cause us pain and inconvenience that alert us to the NEED to SEE them and admit them, and turn to HIM for the support and guidance we need. We have to SEE and admit our weaknesses before the Lord can help us become stronger. Most of us would like to avoid the seeing and admitting part. We want to somehow zip through repentance without telling the truth. Understandable, but it doesn’t work.

I’m going to modify somewhat a quote from President Thomas S. Monson, but only to replace the titles of Church leaders with the words “Parents” or “you.” I have not changed the Prophet’s intent to apply these eternal principles and questions to all of us. He said:

“Parents, do you know the children you are serving? Do you know your young women and young men [whom you have been called to serve]? Do you understand their problems and their perplexities, their yearning, ambitions and hopes? Do you know how far they have traveled, the troubles they have experienced, the burdens they have carried, the sorrows they have borne?

Our duty is to guide them to the celestial kingdom of God. May we ever remember that the mantle of parenthood is not the cloak of comfort but rather the robe of responsibility.”

President Thomas S. Monson, “Sugar Beets and the Worth of a Soul,” Ensign, July 2009

It’s time to leave the “comfort”—to use President Monson’s word—of parenting in the same old ways, and to learn to see, admit, and correct our weaknesses.

How much do you know about how your children feel? (Not favorite team, color, clothing)

How much do you know about their fears? Their pain? Their struggles? How they FEEL?

This is not easy stuff. This is coming to know their SOULS, and very few parents do. They see what they want to see in their children. In our defense, we never learned HOW to get to know them, nor how to help them.

WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING

Their problem behaviors MUST be addressed. There are no small behaviors we can afford to let go. Small problems become much bigger, eventually reaching a point where we can’t do anything at all. Every fatal cancer begins with the mutation of a single cell. Oh, how we want to catch it while it’s small and treatable. We can’t ignore cancer while it’s small. Same with children. We can’t ignore “little” problems, and as you will learn in this Training, our children’s feelings and behaviors are NOT a mystery. Mysteries are only what we haven’t yet come to understand. So, let’s increase what we understand

The Price of Neglect

Let me tell you a story about a woman I home taught years ago. She had two boys who were 6 and 8 years old. They were a handful. They argued with each other, argued with every instruction their mother gave them, fought at home and school, they were disrespectful, entitled. It wasn’t pretty, but Mom didn’t know what to do that would work, so she did the best she knew:

She nagged them endlessly about every chore or homework assignment. Never stopped. She would say “Stop that” over and over again, but she did nothing about it if they didn’t stop. I think I heard “stop that” at least 8-10 times in an average visit if they were home. She’d blow up at them and scream at them to go to their rooms. But they didn’t stay there long. And then they’d go back to making messes and quarreling.  Sometimes she would just wave her hand and say, “Oh, those boys.”

But one day she said to me, “They’re like this all the time. What can I do?”

I assumed she was serious in asking her question, so I began to tell her what it would take to help her boys.

This was years ago—before this Training—so I gave her a book that outlined what she could do, and I emphasized that her tolerating their behavior would eventually have a very high price. I offered to meet with her regularly, and with the boys eventually, to teach her how to love and guide her sons. And I emphasized that if she were diligent, she could anticipate results fairly quickly—especially at their young age.

She did nothing. Their behavior worsened—of course. Again she asked me what she could do. My answers were the same.

Again she did nothing. Rarely do I get this direct, but I knew her well, and I knew a lot about her extended family. I said, “I’m not trying to GET you to do anything. Really. Whatever the boys do won’t affect me. I am telling you that you have a choice here: (1) You can do what I’m suggesting, or (2) you can do nothing, which is what you’re doing now. If you make the second choice, I won’t be offended in the slightest, but in about 10 years you’ll be calling me to tell me that one of them is in jail.”

9 years and 6 months later—I couldn’t make this up, and it’s documented in my journal—she called and asked for help getting her son out of jail. By that time it was too late for me to do anything, but then she had to spend tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees—which she could ill afford—and the son still went to jail, and years later, he’s still there. His brother avoided jail but did not do much better. (He just didn’t get caught.)

I’m not implying that a similar fate would befall your child—I don’t “scare people straight”—but I can tell you for a fact that children in pain WILL react in unproductive ways: anger, addictions, performing poorly in school, problems at work, they become entitled and impossible, they develop mental health problems, they wreck the car and ask you for yours, eventually they have children and demand that you help with finances and babysitting, and sometimes you end up raising them and their children until you’re dead. (I wish I were exaggerating.)

The problems that follow pain in a child go on and on. By comparison, the time and effort involved in your doing THIS training to prevent all these potential outcomes, is minimal. What would you pay right now to guarantee a happy child? Or to transform an unhappy one? We say “anything,” but here’s a major opportunity to pay the price of study, faith, prayer, and diligence.

Make a decision to experience the miracle of the pure love of Christ and teaching in your family. You deserve it. So do they.

The Primary Wound of Children

Before we get to all this transformation, let’s gather some information. WHY do our children behave badly? We all ask that when a child does something particularly “bad.”

A brief comment about that word, “bad.” When I refer to a child’s behavior being bad, I mean two things:

1. I am talking about the child’s BEHAVIOR, not the child. I do not believe in bad children, nor is there any scriptural justification for such a belief.
2. When I say “bad,” I mean that the behavior is bad FOR THE CHILD. It’s unproductive. It doesn’t reflect the child’s divine origins or potential. Bad behavior simply leads the child away from the light and into the darkness, where he or she can become utterly lost.

Back to the question: WHY do our children behave badly? The answer is not complicated. Easy. If you want to know why someone is in pain, first identify what they NEED most, and almost invariably their pain is connected to an absence of—or lack of—that thing they need most.

There is only ONE reason children behave badly. They're simply reacting to emotional pain, combined with the spiritual pain we all experience when we feel separated from God. Unless they’re prepared to an astonishing degree, when children are in pain, they MUST react to diminish the pain. They can’t help it. They don’t make conscious decisions. Neither do adults.

In the October 2020 General Conference, President M. Russell Ballard said, "Recently I was alone in my office. I had just gone through a medical procedure on my hand. It was black and blue, swollen, and ... painful. As I sat at my desk, I could not focus on important and critical matters because I was distracted by this pain."

The Acting President of the Twelve could not focus on the important matters of God because of the distraction of physical pain, but then he focused on prayer and regained his ability to work. But children don't yet have President Ballard's life experience and spiritual strength, so when they're in emotional pain—every bit as distracting as physical pain—they immediately attempt to decrease their pain in ways that are far less productive than the one chosen by President Ballard. This begs the question, What is this pain our children suffer? THIS is the question that almost no parents can answer. Often we don't WANT to hear the real answer.

This is going to be revolutionary for you to hear, so slow down your brain and listen with your heart: What does a child NEED more than anything else? Along with food, water, and air, the answer is so obvious, and yet we keep missing it—over and over.

To see the answer more clearly, let's begin with an infant. When an infant cries—other than from obvious physical pain—what does he want? You already know, because you just pick him up and hold him close. You're pretty smart. You already know that every child wants to feel cared for. Every child wants to feel LOVED. Without that love, they cry—using a variety of behaviors. Picking them up demonstrates our love, and they become content.

But infants are relatively easy to love. They smile and melt your heart, make cute little noises, and laugh in ways we never hear anywhere else. They're adorable. But then they get older, and they learn to make messes, ferociously say NO when you tell them what to do, fight with their siblings, and on and on. They’re still crying for love, but we don’t know that, so they get a LOT harder to love, and when that happens, we really don't know what to do. We try to control them. We get angry. We bribe them with all the toys, activities, freedoms, and electronic devices they want. And we might modify their behavior briefly, but then they're right back to the old behaviors. Why?

Because they're still reacting to the pain of not feeling the love they need most. We might loudly protest, "But I DO love them." Yes, we love them the best we can, the best we KNOW. But mostly it's NOT the KIND of love that fills and heals their souls. It's not unconditional love. It's not the pure love of Christ.

Very few of us understand what that kind of love even looks like. The prophet Mormon described what love really is—as did the apostle Paul—when he said, "Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and ... is not easily provoked ... [it] is the pure love of Christ, and ... if ye have not charity, ye are nothing ..." (Moroni 7:45‑48)

With unconditional love, or the pure love of Christ, there is no anger, frustration, disappointment, controlling, selfishness, manipulation, or bribing on the part of parents. To love unconditionally—to love with the pure love of Christ—must be clearly defined. It means to care about the happiness of another person without wanting anything in return. But we simply don't know HOW to love in that way. We were taught that we SHOULD, but that's not enough. We need more instruction, and that's what this Training provides.

Let me say this another way: If our children become more difficult to love as their behavior changes, that proves we don’t know how to love them UNCONDITIONALLY.

If we did love them UNconditionally, we’d love them no matter what. But if loving them becomes more difficult when they whine, for example, our love is conditional. Unconditional love—or the pure love of Christ—means caring about another person without wanting anything from them in return, but we DO expect something in return for the “love” we give our children: We expect respect, cooperation, obedience, gratitude, and reasonable behavior, which does not include whining and all the rest.

The Real Effect of Anger and Disappointment

How do I know that overall we don’t love our children unconditionally? We PROVE it every time we become angry, or disappointed, or impatient, or irritated at them. Our anger and disappointment and frustration are undeniable PROOF that our love is not unconditional.

Deep inside, you know that what I’m saying is true, but let me demonstrate further: When other people are angry at YOU, do YOU like it? NO, you don’t. Not ever. Nobody does. When we’re angry at other people—notably our children—we’re saying, “Look at what you did to ME, or failed to do FOR ME.” When we’re angry, we’re focused on OURSELVES—Me-Me-Me—and in that moment our children hear only four words, “I don’t love you.” When we’re angry, we’re far too occupied with ourselves to unconditionally love another person. If you have ANY doubt about this, the next time you’re angry at a child, STOP and look at their face: Do they look like they feel loved? Not a chance.

I repeat: When we are angry at our children, they hear only “I don’t love you.”

I promise you that this is true. No, we don’t MEAN to say that, but what else COULD our children hear while our words, tone, and behavior are screaming ME-ME-ME? “I don’t love you” is what YOU hear and FEEL when people are angry at you—think about it honestly—and it’s what our children hear and feel when we’re angry at them. And then they feel defensive and . . . they defend themselves—with whining, and arguing, and defiance, and retreat into phones and video games, and all the rest. All defending and protecting themselves (more on that next chapter).

Again, we do NOT mean to do this. We do not mean to hurt our children. But it was inevitable, because WE were not loved unconditionally either—which means being consistently loved without disappointment or anger. We were not loved freely, without conditions, so how could we possibly have learned how to unconditionally love our own children? IMPOSSIBLE. There is no blaming here. Our ignorance of genuine love simply perpetuated over generations, just as the Lamanites perpetuated their hatred from one generation to the next because of the “traditions” of their fathers. We don’t know how to love unconditionally because we’ve never seen it or felt it with any consistency.

The pure love of Christ isn't just important. It's ESSENTIAL. Lehi and Nephi each saw a vision of the tree of life—eternal life—and they said that the tree was "the love of God"—the same as the "pure love of Christ." They added that the fruit was

"desirable to make one happy."

"most sweet, above all" they had ever tasted.

"the most desirable above all things."

"the most joyous to the soul."

(1 Nephi 8:1‑13; 11:22‑23)

What else in scripture is described as the "most desirable above all things?" Nothing. Not only did the tree of life represent the love of God, but the love of God was portrayed as the gift of LIFE.

Nephi said that the love of God—the pure love of Christ—IS the tree of life. Love is LIFE, and without that LIFE, without that love, a child WILL suffer—emotionally and spiritually. The greatest wound inflicted on children is simply the lack of this love. To be injured, they don't have to be hit or yelled at, just not loved unconditionally. And in the Training we will explain that loving a child is to give them what they need, not remotely the same as giving them what they want—a confusion that has caused much pain for parents and children alike.

Children are born beneath the branches and fruit of the tree of life. They are without sin (Moroni 8:8). They are unblemished by wounds. They were divinely loved in their premortal life, and they yearn for a continuation of that feeling.

But then we injure them—almost always without realizing it—by failing to nourish their tree of love, almost always from ignorance and from lacking "a guide." We injure them with anger, criticism, controlling, and more. So our children run from the pain of the wounding. They wander off into the mists of darkness. They're lost and alone, crying for a return to the innocence and love they once knew before birth.

When children lack that fruit—the love that gives life, which is most desirable above all things and is most joyous to the soul—they suffer, and in their pain inevitably they act out by whining, complaining, getting angry, withdrawing, and the other behaviors we've discussed.

The Solution: The Pure Love of Christ

This could sound pretty discouraging. Nah, because once we know WHY children behave badly, the solution becomes delightfully obvious. We need to “nourish” our own tree of life—which Alma says we all grow, in Chap 32—and gain the strength and wisdom to nourish THEIR tree as they become capable of that function themselves. As we parents learn to nourish and grow our own tree, it becomes a light—“white above all that is white” (Alma 32:42)—that will draw the eyes and hearts of our children to us ... and then to Christ.

The purpose of this Training is not only to solve individual problems with children, certainly not to make them more manageable. This Training proposes to teach parents how to find the pure love of Christ—the kind of love that is without disappointment, anger, frustration, or controlling. You will learn how to share this love with your children while simultaneously teaching them the gospel that will lead them to the Savior.

When children feel loved in this way and learn to love others, they have that which is “most joyous to the soul” (1 Nephi 11) and thirst to stay close by the nourishment, the light, and the protection of the tree of life.

Such children, who have no need or desire to wander from the light, are simply happy. The natural product of removing pain and fear is happiness (man is that he might have joy). These children are not in emotional or spiritual pain, so they have NO NEED to act out in ways that express their pain or diminish it. They have no NEED to whine, argue, fight, withdraw, be irresponsible, be defiant, become depressed or suicidal, or to become addicted to phones, gaming, pornography, alcohol, drugs, and more. Controlling children to keep the commandments doesn’t work. In the premortal life, we already voted No on that approach, didn’t we? But a happy child WANTS to keep the commandments and has no desire to break them.  

Such children become like those who were foreordained to become high priests of God, who, “after being sanctified by the Holy Ghost, having their garments made white, and being pure and spotless before God, they could not look upon sin except with disgust ...” (Mosiah 12:10-13)

They become like Nephi, who prayed, “Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?” (2 Nephi 4:31) This is not a theoretical possibility. I know a great many families who are raising children like this, where “hate and envy ne’er annoy.” (LDS Hymns, “Love at Home”) I KNOW these children, and they love their siblings, revere their parents, and keep the commandments as they “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ ... “ (2 Nephi 31:20)

President Uchtdorf said, "Whatever problems your family is facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ. Without this love, even seemingly perfect families struggle. With it, even families with great challenges succeed. 'Charity never faileth.'" (Ensign May 2016)

If, as Pres Uchtdorf has suggested, love is the answer, then WITH the answer, what happens? The answer to that question is also the ultimate proof that pain is why children behave badly: I’ve been teaching unconditional love now for so many years to so many parents that I can tell you this with complete certainty:

When a child truly feels the love of God, he or she DOES NOT whine, get angry, argue, resist, defy, fight, feel anxious, or become addicted to the long list of activities and behaviors we’ve talked about: lying, fighting, phones, video games, social media, physical appearance, anxiety, alcohol, porn. Nor are they irresponsible. Because they’re not in pain.

Children who are loved unconditionally don’t behave badly. Such children don’t carry around a thorn of entitlement that spoils life. Instead they’re HAPPY—and responsible, and all those qualities you wish they had.

With sufficient love, there is simply no NEED to behave badly. Happy people don’t behave badly. Period. Full stop. It could seem like this statement is too broad, too much. It’s not.

Another name for all the problems with children that we’ve described thus far is SIN. When children are in pain and are not sufficiently loved, their behaviors focus only on decreasing THEIR pain. These behaviors are focused on THEMSELVES—Self-preservation, self-protection—so they are often inconsistent with the love of God and His commandments, and that is one definition of sin—for children who have reached the age of accountability. We’ll talk more about how our pain leads to sin in the next chapter and others.

So, how can we as parents prevent and respond to sin or bad behavior in our children? We can follow the example of Jesus Christ, whose entire ministry can be summarized in the phrase “love and teach.” That’s all He did. He loved the people as He taught them, and this had a great power over their hearts. He established the pattern that we parents need to learn in guiding our children. We need to love them with the pure love of Christ, while also teaching them the gospel of Christ. Loving and teaching are so integrated, so inextricably intertwined, that I tend to use those two actions as one word: loveandteaching (verb) or lovingandteaching (the action).

Obedience is Not Enough

You want to know how you can help a child who is demonstrating any of the behaviors we’ve talked about: whining, anger, defiance, addiction to phones, and on and on.

Joseph Smith answered that question when he said, “Nothing is so much calculated to lead people to forsake sin as to take them by the hand and watch over them with tenderness. When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what power it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind.”

(Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 240–41).

Look at what he just said: How do we “lead people to forsake sin?” Sin—or transgression with small children—is nothing more than all those behaviors we’ve listed: whining, anger, defiance, addictions.

So how to respond?

1. Watch over them with tenderness = love them, the first part of the “love and teach” that I’ve mentioned several times already, exactly the mission of the Savior.
2. Take them by the hand = guide them, lead them, teach them, the second half of “love and teach.”

This entire Training will be devoted to loving YOU—you parents—and teaching you how to love and teach your children in a variety of ways and circumstances.

This “loving and teaching” has been taught by unnumbered prophets in different ways.

President Gordon B. Hinckley taught over and over that “Every [member] needs three things: a friend, a responsibility, and nurturing with 'the good word of God.” (Ensign, Feb 1999)

This brief sentence anticipated our need to have a short, pithy summary of our responsibilities, something we can remember. So let’s look at it. What did he say we all need, including our children?

1. A friend. That just means somebody to love us. It means we need a PERSON—a friend, a mortal source of love. A parent. Ultimately, we need faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and to feel His love, which unavoidably leads to our feeling the power of His Atonement. But in the short term—until we feel that divine love—we need to be led along by the love of fellow mortals, who are a reflection of the love of the Father and Son. We’ll talk much more about that toward the end of this chapter. For our children, WE as parents are that example, that reflection of God’s love. We introduce them to the FEELING of love so that they can more easily feel or taste it. We are indispensable in doing that—far more influential in their tender years than the Church with all its resources could ever be.
2. A responsibility. We NEED responsibility in order to grow. We become stronger as we carry the responsibility to work, to learn, to grow, and to serve and love others.
3. The word of God. We need to be TAUGHT. Until we are taught sufficiently, our agency is incomplete. As Lehi taught Jacob, “Men are INSTRUCTED sufficiently that they know good from evil.” (2 Nephi 2:5) It’s not enough to have the RIGHT to choose. We must also be TAUGHT to know good from evil. (more about agency in Chapter 2)

In short, teaching our children obedience alone is not enough. The Pharisees proved that, as they mastered obedience but missed the entire point of the law (Matthew 23:23). The goal of life is not simply to grasp the iron rod. No, the iron rod—the word of God—is intended to guide us to the pure love of Christ found at the tree of life. (1 Nephi 8 and 11)

So, another take on the three things our children need, as President Hinckley said. How do we supply them?

1. Love: we as parents love our children (first half of loveandteach) Learning now.
2. Responsibility: we teach them responsibility (with love)
3. Word of God: we teach them

It’s all love and teach.

And what is the end result of all that? What are we here for? Man is that he might have what? Obedience? No, that’s a MEANS to the end of JOY. (man is that he might have joy, 2 Nephi 2:25) Joy comes from children feeling loved, loving, and responsible—the three legs of a stool that supports happiness. Each leg is indispensable—just another way of stating what President Hinckley said—and we as parents are blessed to help our children build and sustain those three legs.

Earning God’s Love

One day on a video call I spoke with a teenage girl whose parents had just begun to study this Training. She said, “I feel trapped all the time, and then I get angry. I argue with my parents and my brother. I hate school, hate my parents, hate going to church. I know I’m supposed to be happy, but I’m not. I’ve talked to counselors and to my bishop, and nothing is helping.”

This girl actually had quite a list of problem behaviors—much longer than she briefly described—but that’s not the point to be learned here. I said to her simply, “Does anybody really understand you? Does anybody love YOU for who you are, not for what you do that pleases them?”

She wept and couldn’t talk.

I continued: “Nobody sees you. They see what they want from you, what they want you to do, what you SHOULD do. But they don’t see who you are. So you don’t feel cared for. You don’t feel truly loved. Sure, when you’re GOOD—when you do what people want—temporarily they’re nicer to you, but that’s just not enough for you. It’s exhausting and frustrating for you to EARN their love, isn’t it? You even wonder what living is for.”

Then she sobbed and couldn’t speak for a good while.

I need to mention that I was NOT sympathizing with her. I was not criticizing her parents, who AGREED that they didn’t know her or how to love her. They asked me to talk to her—because they didn’t know how. What I did was not complicated, not a technique. I was only letting this young woman see and feel that I understood her, that her confusion and pain resulted from parents and others NOT following President Monson’s suggestion from earlier in this chapter that we ask ourselves if we know the burdens and sorrows and fears of our children. No accusation, no blaming, just understanding.

During our conversation, this girl FELT seen and loved. Her parents continued to learn how to love and teach her, and then they ACTED on what they learned. Their daughter began to feel their love. She tasted the fruit of the tree of life, which she had not felt from them or from attending her many, many church meetings and seminar classes—again, no criticism of anyone.

With a taste of her parents’ love, she was far better prepared to exercise faith in Jesus Christ and partake of His love and Atonement. She discovered—as did her parents—that when she wasn’t in pain—when she felt loved—she was actually unusually teachable, humble, loving, willing, and strong. She learned to feel light and free. She began to ENJOY keeping the commandments. It was a stirring and touching experience for her, for her parents, and for me, similar to a great many others I have seen. You can learn to have such experiences with your children.

We don’t have to EARN His love. His love is unconditional. His love is infinite, as President Nelson has said (BYU Sep 2019). The tree of life is described as shedding (or broadcasting) God’s love and light “abroad in the hearts of the children of men.” (1 Nephi 11:22) That light is not limited. He does not turn off the light. If we turn our back on the light, it seems to disappear, but it has not. We need only turn back to the light to find it, and throughout this Training we’ll be talking about how to do that.

Love

The correct name of God’s restored church on the earth today is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In any given conversation, however, after referring to the Church in that complete way, it is acceptable, even desirable, that we designate the Church by other names—“the Church,” for example—for the sake of brevity or avoiding the cumbersome repetition of the full name.

In a similar way, it can become cumbersome and can detract from the simple statement of a principle to consistently refer to “the pure love of Christ.” For that reason, often in this Training—following the pattern of scripture—we will use the following simple designations to mean “the pure love of Christ”:

It should also be recognized that all these terms serve to differentiate “the pure love of Christ” from everything else that is not genuinely love. Some examples:

1. We commonly refer to “falling in love,” where each partner gazes longingly into the eyes of the other while their lashes flutter and hearts pound. But this isn’t love at all. It’s actually the mutual EXCHANGE of excitement, flattery, sexual attraction, approval—quite a list. The term “love” is used because (1) we don’t realize that “falling in love” is more a chemical and neurological phenomenon than actual love, and because (2) we really want to believe that this excitement is the real thing.
2. We say we “love” ice cream, chocolate, and our favorite sports team. It would be more accurate to say that we enjoy or support those things, but using the word “love” gives our feelings more excitement and legitimacy.

These other kinds of “love”—exemplified by the two I described—are rarely the real thing. Instead what we call “love” is usually excitement, drama, pleasure, and the exchange of conditional approval. These imitations of love are as different from the pure love of Christ as the pretended “giving” of the Pharisees described by Christ was different from real charity (Matthew 6:2). Remember that the Pharisees “sounding a trumpet,” created “a form of godliness but denied the power thereof (2 Timothy 3:5)

Hence, depending on context, I will mostly use the simple term “love” to mean “the pure love of Christ,” or I’ll use “the love of God” described in the vision of the tree of life. Anything that society commonly calls love, but which is not the pure love of Christ, I will specifically designate as what it really is: romantic love, lust, strong desire, interest, trading of approval, kindness offered with an expectation of return, and so on.

The Mists of Darkness

Nurturing and growing a child is much like growing a young sapling. Initially a tree must be planted in the right soil, at the correct depth, and then watered, mulched, weeded, fertilized, pruned, protected from invading insects, and more. Similarly, after birth a child is planted on the earth, but the required care is far from over.

A child must be filled with the pure love of Christ, just as a sapling must be watered, nourished, weeded, and protected. Learning to give Christ-like love is a life-long endeavor, however, so where do we begin? At the very least, we must begin with elimination of the OBSTACLES to loving. To continue the metaphor, a sapling must be nurtured, but no amount of nurturing will compensate for intermittent injury to the plant. If you carefully plant a sapling but then periodically step on it or run over it with a lawnmower, no amount of nourishing, sunshine, water, and soil will be sufficient to make that tree grow.

The endless distractions of the world—which we mentioned earlier—can be overwhelming, even deadly, as they lead our children away from the light of the tree of life. As Nephi said, (mod) “The mists of darkness are the temptations of the devil, which blind the eyes, and harden the hearts of the children of men, and lead them away into broad roads, so they’re lost and perish. (1 Nephi 12:17)

The world is distracting enough, but the greatest harm ever done to a child comes from his or her own parents. What are the ways that we injure our children—these tender little saplings? There are a great many, but two stand out as especially destructive and, regrettably, largely unrecognized. First is simple emotional neglect. As I said earlier, “To be injured, children don't have to be hit or yelled at, just not loved unconditionally.” In the words of Alma, we “neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, [so] it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun comes and scorches it, it withers away because it has no root ...” (Alma 32:38)

The second common way we injure our children is with anger, which includes everything from simple disappointment and eye rolling to unmistakable rage. If we approach children from anywhere on that spectrum, we hurt them.

The Savior himself said, “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.” (3 Nephi 11:29-30) It is notable that He did not exempt parents when he told us that anger should be “done away.”

President Thomas S. Monson taught that anger is “Satan’s tool,” because “to be angry is to yield to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice.” (Ensign Nov 2009) The Apostle Paul taught, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth [except] that which is ... edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers ... Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger ... be put away from you ... and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:29-32)

The final word on anger is this: anger is always wrong. Always. The supporting evidence for that categorical statement is overwhelming—from scripture, modern revelation, and the results of decades of practical application of this Training with thousands of real children.

When we’re angry at children, we are screaming, “Look at what you did to ME,” or “Look at what you failed to do for ME.” While we are shouting “Me-Me-Me,” they can hear only one message, “I don’t love you,” even though we may be quite unconscious of what we’re saying. Our children are rarely conscious of the message either, but you can see the truth of it in their little faces when you’re angry at them.

In that moment of anger, we spoil the fruit of the tree from which they partake. We transform the tree from one of light into a source of pain and darkness. Our children flee from the pain and run out into the world where they are overwhelmed by the mists of darkness, the filthy river, the fountain of filthy water, and by the influence of those clamoring for their attention in the great and spacious building (1 Nephi 8, 11, 15).

The most powerful testimony of the truth that “anger is always wrong” comes from an understanding of the words that stand in opposition to the word “wrong”: the words “right” and “good.” The prophet Mormon said, “The Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God. But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil ... and all things which are good cometh of Christ ...” (Moroni 7:16-24)

Mormon tells us that if a condition or behavior is not right or good, it is not from God and is therefore wrong or evil. When we are angry at our children:

• We are not ‘inviting them to do good.” We are, in truth, driving them from the tree of life as they hear us shout “I don’t love you” at them.
• We are not “inviting” them to do anything. We are attempting to take their agency from them by force. That is Satan’s work, carried over from the premortal life.
• We are not “persuading them to believe in Christ” because in our anger we brandish “Satan’s tool,” as President Monson said.
• We are not “persuading” them to do anything. Again, we are attempting to take their agency from them by force.

It is unavoidable that children view the love of God as a natural extension of the love offered by those appointed to lead them in mortality. We parents REPRESENT God to our children—rightly so, since we agreed to take His name upon us (sacrament prayer) and we’ve been commissioned by God to stand as a light—His light—to the world. Our children view God’s love as an expanded extension of our love, and ideally that should be true. If we are angry, they will view and feel God as angry rather than feeling the truth about Him—that he is loving, merciful, and inviting them to “gather like chicks under his wings.” (Matthew 23:37) It is unavoidable that if children experience the shelter of our tree of life as critical, angry, and painful, they will run to the many attractions in the great and spacious building rather than being drawn to the love of God, which is “most sweet, above all.” (1 Nephi 8:11)

Anger is always wrong, as are all the innumerable and clever variations of it, such as disappointment, irritation, annoyance, frustration, controlling, intimidation, and more. Rather than using anger, it is our responsibility to love and teach “by persuasion, by long‑suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile ...” D&C 121:41-42

Let us learn again from the vision of the tree of life. Imagine sitting beneath the boughs and fruit of that tree, surrounded by its light and love, with your child at your side. Now, can you imagine in that condition expressing anger at your child? It’s unthinkable. Anger, not being “of God,” not being good—as Mormon clearly stated—could not co-exist with the light and love of the tree of life. When we’re angry, we instantly depart from the tree and run into the mists of darkness, taking our children with us. We cause far more harm to them than we realize.

Think about the importance of this. If you could change just one thing right now—if you could eliminate only anger from your life—your family would begin to transform. No exaggeration—I’ve seen it many times. The effects of anger are that horrible. I promise you that in a subsequent chapter we’ll discuss HOW you can eliminate anger.

How many times have you seen or learned about adults who have ceased speaking to each other for years, or a lifetime, all because of a heated argument? How often have you seen a relationship destroyed by five minutes of anger? We all understand this. We’ve seen it, experienced it. And yet we continue to be angry at our children, hoping—in a kind of fairyland, fantasy way—that our children will not be affected by our anger. And we hope that our protestations that “we still love them” will make up for the horrific trauma we inflict with our anger, disappointment, disapproval, controlling, and more. Delusional.

On the other hand, if we love and teach in the way of Christ, we grow the tree of life (Alma 32:40-42) that shelters and nourishes our children. We become the light to which our children look, which in turn will persuade them to look to the light coming from Christ—much as God intended the children of Israel to look on the serpent in the wilderness for life only in preparation for looking on Christ Himself as the Light and Life of the World. (Helaman 8:13-15) Our love gives children a REASON to look to us and listen to us and then, in turn, to look to Christ, follow Him, and live.

Because of their wicked choices, Laman and Lemuel were described as being “past feeling” the WORDS of God. (1 Nephi 17:45) Similarly, if children are sufficiently unloved and wounded, they reach a condition where they are “past feeling” the LOVE of God, “and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them carefully away ... ” (2 Nephi 28:21)

What is the Bottom Line here? All the behaviors we talked about earlier are mostly caused by the pain WE have inflicted on our children. What behaviors? These:

Whining, anger, arguing, difficult, resistant, defiant, fighting

Addicted to phones, video games, social media, physical appearance

Withdrawn, depressed, cutting, suicidal thoughts

Anxious, worry, frustrated, cry

ADHD symptoms

Addicted to alcohol, drugs, porn, sex

Irresponsible with school, chores at home

They are so common that I often refer to them as the 7 Common Behavior Problems. Notice that I said that we parents are MOSTLY the cause of these behaviors. Mostly. There are other influences, which we will talk about. But the other influences are mostly out of our control, so we’re going to focus on (1) what hurts children most (US) and (2) the one influence we can DO something about: US.

Principles Vs. Techniques

Now, a word about learning principles compared to learning and using techniques

A friend of mine recently told me that years ago he took guitar lessons, and at the first lesson his teacher asked, “Do you want to learn to play the guitar? Or do you want to learn just to play a couple of pieces ON the guitar, for fun and for friends?”

My Friend said, “Couple of pieces.” So the teacher complied, and my friend did learn a couple of pieces, but he didn’t play them very well because he hadn’t learned the foundations of MUSIC and the many essential techniques involved in playing a guitar correctly. And he didn’t play for long, because he didn’t really know how to play the guitar, so he couldn’t expand his repertoire much, and the two pieces got old.

Right now I’m asking you a similar question about parenting. (1) Do you want to learn the right words to say in a couple of difficult situations with your children (like my friend wanted to play a couple of pieces)? That’s tempting, to want to know how to control or manage a child who is whining, smart-mouthed, disrespectful, angry, demanding, entitled.

EVERY parent asks me a variation on this question: How do I get my child to . . . Blank. Or, more frequently, how do I get them to STOP ... whatever. Children can make you crazy, and sometimes you just want to weave a spell and make a particular behavior STOP. That’s question and approach Number One (1). How do I control and manage them better? If that’s what you want, I can methodically go through all the problems of childhood and teach you the words and tools that have worked consistently in the past. Really, I know the words and tricks. But (A) techniques never last long, and (B) the cascade of problems will never stop, because you won’t have addressed their root cause. And even if you have the effective words and techniques, you WILL fail, because your delivery will not be founded on the pure love of Christ, which your children must have.

OR you could try question and approach # 2. This one:

Do YOU want to learn how to become far more Christ-like by learning to use the “principles of righteousness” mentioned in D&C 121:36 that will connect you with the “powers of heaven?” If you ask this second question and make this second choice, you will find yourself filled with the pure love of Christ and a “confidence” that will “distil upon your soul as the dews from heaven.” (D&C 121:45) In that condition, you will find yourself prepared to (1) respond powerfully to all situations and difficulties that come up with children, and (2) PREVENT nearly all of them.

Any doubt about which choice is wiser?

During this Training, I will be addressing a great number of specific problems, but primarily I’ll be teaching you how to love and teach your children in all circumstances. It’s crazy effective. You won’t quite understand that yet, but I encourage you—exhort you—to hang on until more pieces fall together for you.

It turns out that as you learn to love your children (which they NEED) and teach them WHAT they need to know, you’ll also tend to get the elimination of those destructive behaviors.

Let me show you a specific example of what I mean. I emphasize strongly that this is just ONE example of many principles I’ll be teaching—one example of a problem behavior—and it will weave together with other principles to contribute to YOU becoming a Christ-like parent. You’re actually not quite ready emotionally and spiritually to implement most of what I’ll be illustrating even with this one principle, but that’s okay. As you keep going in the Training, you’ll get ready, and learning about this one problem behavior will give you (1) an idea of where we’re going, (2) some hope that you can actually do this, and (3) a confidence that it’s worth it to continue learning.

Whining

The one example of a principle we’ll address here is whining. A mother, Jenny—someone I had spoken to before—spoke with me on a video call:

First a word about the word overwhelmed. Parenting is an unspeakably important and huge responsibility. Million things to do. Seems impossible. It seems reasonable that this mother—and you—would say HELP!! AND reasonable to ask, Come on, among these million things I have to learn and do, Is there not just some foothold where I could step to begin the climb? Is there ONE thing I could do so all this didn’t seem so overwhelming?

To everyone: Yes. Breathe. That’s why I’m here. I’ve done this before—thousands of times. We can do this. Eventually we’ll bring in lots of principles—parenting principles, the gospel—all founded on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. For now, that’s a lot, so we’ll start with you and me.

Now, back to her question—about one thing to do, which is (keep in mind) just one thing—an important thing, yes—and as we get our heads and hearts around one thing, we’ll begin to get a snapshot of the overall picture of parenting too. We’re beginning to put the puzzle of parenting together, piece by piece, in a way that can’t be linear (A-B-C), as I explained in the introduction to this Training. People learn in an infinite variety of ways: Might be A-C-Z-T-Q-B. Who knows?

I’m telling you that even though I’m going to be specific here in advising this mother, keep in mind the general approach more than you remember the individual words and sentences.

I spoke to Jenny, the mother who called and asked the one thing she could DO right then:

Now, many of you are thinking right now that in your family, no whining and no anger would be (A) a dream come true, and (B) impossible—past impossible. I promise you that it’s not. In fact, achieving and maintaining no whining or anger is EASIER than dealing with the endless effects of whining and anger. (Think: once whining and anger get going, they become a fire that infects everything. They make solutions impossible. So, let go of your doubts for just a moment—nothing to lose—and stay with me.

Let’s go back to my conversation with Jenny, the mom:

You’ll never know what it’s like to love and teach your child until you DO IT. You might not do it well. You might get annoyed. Tough. You have to start somewhere. And Your child will never know what it’s like NOT to whine—what it FEELS like, because whining is an attitude—until you love and teach him/her. We all learn together. Welcome to mortality.

Let me make this clearer. Try an experiment: From now on there will be a ZERO TOLERANCE in your home for whining. NONE. You will be shocked by (1) how much whining there is, and (2) how easy it is to stop it.

I know many parents think that it would be better to gradually eliminate the whining or any other problem behavior. OH, it’s really not. Let me prove that in two ways:

1. First Proof: Suppose that you suggest whining LESS? You are so done. Children will ALWAYS find a reason or excuse to whine—they’re brilliant. AND they’ll deny that they’re whining every time you point it out. All because you said “LESS whining. “Less” is so easy to excuse and rationalize. It’s too subjective. But everybody understands ZERO.
2. Second proof that it’s better and easier to STOP a particular behavior cold:

Every addict on the planet can tell you the success rate of quitting their substance gradually—cocaine, alcohol, tobacco. No, at some point, you have to make a decision to stop. Completely.

We can see Zero Tolerance policies everywhere in life. What is the tolerance for shooting people? Zero.

How about running stop lights in busy traffic? Do we gradually improve? Is it acceptable to “work on” a habit of running red lights? No, Zero Tolerance.

Same with whining. Whining is an emotional and spiritual poison, and it has to be eliminated now. We have to stop at some point, and I’m about to tell you how to make that stopping much, much easier than simply COMMANDING your child to stop—which rarely works.

Do the following exercise (Exercise 1):

Go through the whining section of this chapter (Chapter One) again.

Be honest with yourself about what whining is. It can be done with words or actions.

Spoken whining is a high-pitched complaining. The tone is distinctive.

Behavior whining is a pronounced reluctance while doing something, often indicated by frowning, scowling, shaking of the shoulders, shaking the head, and so on.

Write down every time one child whines—with words or actions.

Be honest. Do not protect yourself from the realization of how often it happens.

Now you have an idea—a rough estimate—of how often your child whines. I promise you that the truth is larger than what you’ll come up with the first time in this exercise, because you’ve become ACCUSTOMED to whining. It’s become normal.

Now, with an increased realization of the frequency and harm of whining, how can you respond to whining?

First you explain to your child—in your own words—something like what I said to Jenny.

“We don’t speak Whine anymore in this house. NONE. From now on I will stop you and talk to you about it, telling you that we speak only English. I can’t stop you from whining, but I can stop the conversation and talk to you about the whining.” (The words will vary with the age of the child, but children as young as one year understand them.)

Second, After you’ve explained this, your child WILL forget and WILL whine again. It’s now a very old habit, one that you have enabled by ignoring it or by responding to it with anger. Not a problem.

The next time your child whines for something—after you’ve explained Zero Tolerance for Whine—don’t re-explain the whole thing. If you do, your child is making you do all the work. No, HE has to remember what you taught him and apply it. Much more effective.

So the next time the child whines, you simply say, “English.”

Now, Third, after saying “English” if your child is still whining for even one second—they KNOW what they’re doing, they’re not stupid—you say, “You can go to your room now until you can remember how to speak English. As soon as you remember, you can come back here.” He might take two steps toward his room and turn around—this is common—and say, “Okay, English.”

Fine, lesson learned. IF the child can then speak without the whining tone, there’s no need to apply a consequences—going to his room—which is required only when teaching-with-words DOESN’T work. In the beginning, words alone don’t usually succeed, just so you know.

This is just the very beginning of teaching you HOW to love and teach your children. You will NOT do it well in the beginning. Impossible. You’re just learning. Accept that. As you practice, you’ll get better, and I’ll teach you more and more about loving and teaching.

If you go to RealLoveParents.com, you’ll find many videos where I teach you how to love and teach your children. As you watch them, pay attention to my tone of voice. Sometimes I’m lighthearted, sometimes quite serious and direct, but it’s all just information. Tone is everything. If you use this tone—gentle, not impatient, firm, matter-of-fact, informational, not harsh, not pleading, not angry—you have at least begun to accept your child, to love her and teach her. And the angels sing.  

There is no punishment here. Saying “English” or even sending them to their room is NOT discipline or even restraint. You’re not telling her that she CAN’T be angry or disagree with you or be dissatisfied. You’re NOT stopping their expression of feelings. You’re discussing HOW they can express what they want more productively and more clearly. As they do this, they will feel different. They will become less anxious, less demanding, and less victimy.

AND there is no TIME attached to being in their room—no prison sentence. He just goes to his room until he remembers how to speak English. (As I just suggested, He might even get the point as soon as he turns around and BEGINS to go to his room. GREAT. This is teaching and learning, so you don’t care how long it takes. Three seconds is great—before he gets to his room—IF he learns to use English. Going to his room is just one of many teaching tools—a natural consequence of his choice to whine, which is a language that you have now banished. Going to his room is a motivation, not punishment.

What I’m telling you now about loving and teaching is HUGE. Most parents have never stopped their the habit of whining in their children—almost no parents, actually, so you are a pioneer. Most ADULTS have never stopped their own whining.

You’ll make mistakes. We’ll keep learning together. I defend parents who have a difficult time with Zero Tolerance for whining. For one thing, whining can be very stressful and tiring to listen to, so parents tend to respond with irritation. You would be VERY unusual if you don’t get angry with your kids. Often parents TELL me they DON’T get angry: they’re just impatient, or annoyed, or disappointed, or frustrated. It’s all ANGER. How do I know?

I ask the kids. THEY report their parents are angry on the occasions when their parents deny it—and the parents believe it, eager to deny behavior that deep down they know is wrong.

Parents are angry as they describe to ME their interactions with the kids. Proof. If they’re angry with me while they talk ABOUT a situation with a child, it’s a guarantee that they were angry in the situation.

You might even consider making your response to whining on the humorous side. Maybe the second or third time you practice this, you might say to a younger child—in a light-hearted tone—“You can come back from your room when you remember to speak Chinese (straight face).” The child WILL look at you funny, like you’ve lost your mind for a moment. Then you say, “No, my mistake, come back when you can speak Russian.” At this point the child will almost certainly say—”No, English.” Ha, trapped. You just made them say the desired word, and they tend to remember it better then. Kids ENJOY IT when you play with them, when you joke with them—certainly way better than lecturing, nagging, and being angry at them. You might say, instead of “English”, “Is that the buzzing of flies I hear? I don’t recognize that sound.” (They’ll get it, especially as they get older)

Kids will joke back with you, and that’s an excellent sign that you’re connecting. I’ve received many letters from parents who have said that if they (the parent) is complaining about something to another adult, their CHILD will smile and say, “English.” Lesson learned and taught back to you.

Another variation on how you might loveandteach child who is whining (mix it up): "So what you're speaking right now is Whine and when I went to school I didn't learn Whine—I know, crazy, right? They just taught English. So you go on to your room, and when you can remember to speak English, I’d LOVE to hear what you have to say.”

See the difference? In this version you add that you WANT to communicate with your children—want to hear what they say even if they’re disagreeing or wanting something—but you’re teaching them that you can’t HEAR them when they whine. You can’t give them what THEY want when they whine. They learn that whining doesn’t SERVE THEM well. That’s a far more productive lesson than simply telling them to stop.

In all this, the words you use depend on the age of the child, but the essence is the same.

To her everlasting credit, when I told Jenny about her son’s whining, she did NOT defend herself, nor did she defend herself when I told her what she could do about it. (THAT is the beginning of learning.) THAT is the humility and courage I told you about that is required to learn parenting, the LACK of which is one of the biggest obstacles to learning how to be a parent.

God Himself said, “Thou shalt offer a sacrifice unto the Lord thy God in righteousness, even that of a broken heart and a contrite spirit.” D&C 59:8. Jenny did that as she listened and learned.

Be humble. Be willing to see your faults and admit them and then change them. And oh my, do we have a lot to learn about parenting. It goes ever-so-much faster and deeper if you’re willing to see your mistakes. Remember what the Lord said to Moroni, “Because you have SEEN your weakness, you will be made strong.” (Ether 12:37)

Elder James E. Faust said, “What makes it possible, under the Master’s touch, for [people] to serve, lift, and ... touch for good the lives of [others]? (like our children) After a lifetime of dealing in the affairs of men and women, I believe it is the ability to overcome personal ego and pride (humility and willingness to learn)—both are enemies to the full enjoyment of the Spirit of God and walking humbly before him. The ego ... prevents the enjoyment of the full sweetness of a higher love (the pure love of Christ). The ego often prevents parents and children from fully understanding each other. The ego ... blinds us to reality (like when Jenny didn’t recognize her son’s whining at first). Pride keeps us from confessing our sins and shortcomings to the Lord and working out our repentance. (Ensign May 1994)

If we are not humble, we cannot repent, which just means to learn and change. Learning to love and teach our children REQUIRES a great deal of repentance. So why don’t we just do it?

1. We have to be willing to see our children’s behavior for what it is. Are they becoming more Christ-like? More loving, kind, responsible? Or are we satisfied that they are simply quiet and not causing trouble? We don’t like answering these incisive questions.
2. We have to be willing to consistently create opportunities to love and teach them, creating an environment where the “children of Christ” (Mosiah 5:7) flourish.
3. We have to be willing to look at OURSELVES instead of blaming our kids, or their teachers, or their friends. We must be willing to openly admit our own flaws as parents. THAT is where enormous humility is required, and few of us have the faith and courage to do that. But YOU can.
4. We’re afraid of our children. We fear their disapproval. Understandable. Nobody likes that disgusted, angry, and snotty look of disapproval on a child’s face. (More on this in a later chapter)

Ironically, as we use these excuses not to change—mostly unconsciously, in our defense—we make it impossible to learn this great truth: Properly loving and teaching our children is FAR EASIER than constantly managing the whining, anger, arguments, and then all the withdrawal, depression, and addictions that follow. Good parenting is EASIER than neglectful parenting.

Living at the tree is easier than chasing after our children who are wandering off into the mists of darkness, getting lost in the great and spacious building, and drowning in the river of filth.

Loving and teaching is EASIER than managing problems.

But we can’t learn that loving and teaching is easier unless we get humble, admit our flaws, and diligently begin our repentance—really dig in and do what’s required. We can’t taste the fruit of the tree until we plant the seed, nourish it, weed it, and care for it until it bears fruit.

Back to our original subject:

We must repent of OUR anger and lack of love before we can learn to identify and modify the whining of our children. We must learn to love them.

Teaching children not to whine can be astonishingly effective—if you remember 2 Keys, as a beginning:

FIRST KEY, THE key to any problem with a child is YOU being loving.

What did President Uchtdorf say? “"Whatever problems your family is facing ... the beginning and the end of the solution is ... the pure love of Christ.”

It’s highly likely that you don’t know how to do that yet. And I know that I’m giving you many principles and instructions that you’re not yet prepared to follow. Keep going. Remember the non-linear learning we talked about in the introduction.

How do I know that you don’t know how to love them purely yet? Like nearly every parent, You get irritated when they whine, which says, “I don’t love you.” OR you ignore it, which also says “I don’t love you.” How? Because when you tune out the whining, you’re saying that you don’t care enough—don’t have the faith and courage YET—to teach your child the saving principles of the gospel, especially the Plan of Happiness. You ignore their whining from FEAR of their disapproval. No child can feel loved by a parent who is afraid.

Remember, when children behave badly, it is almost always a reaction to them not feeling loved unconditionally—loved with no disappointment, irritation, frustration, or anger.

The ultimate proof of that statement—that the pain of not being loved is what leads to unproductive behaviors—is found in the children who DO feel sufficiently filled with the pure love of Christ. Those children simply do not whine or otherwise behave badly. There’s no need. I’ve been teaching unconditional love now for so many years to so many parents that I can tell you this with complete certainty.  Happy children don’t NEED to whine—which I said earlier in the chapter. Sound too simple? It’s not. When I’m with my grandchildren, they KNOW I love them. They don’t ever whine, because they know that simply by asking, they’ll get what they want, OR they’ll get what they need, which will turn out to be at least as satisfying. What they really need is my love, not a particular object or activity, and they can feel that.

So how do you eliminate your own anger, so you CAN love your children unconditionally and can speak in an even, not-irritated tone to them? We get to that in the next two chapters. Again, non-linear learning. Unavoidable.

You will learn (1) how to find people to love you, which will vastly increase your ability to feel God’s love (more on that later), and (2) how to share that feeling with your child. First, you feel loved, and then you love your child. You can’t give what you don’t have. Impossible. So you need to prepare YOURSELF before you can expect to be able to unconditionally love your children.

It is critical that you learn to feel loved, because when you don’t, THAT is when you become disappointed, irritated, impatient, and angry at your child. That is when you sin. You respond to pain in selfish ways very similar to how your children do. If you feel ANY impatience as you say anything—about whining or any other behavior—to a child, you’re DONE. Your child WILL feel your lack of love and will learn NOTHING—as you have already discovered. In a couple of minutes, we’ll talk about WHY there can be no allowance for any indication of impatience or disappointment to a child.

This is the most important thing I’ll be teaching you in this Parenting Training—how to TEACH your children in a way they can HEAR it. What usually happens is that we teach them, and they don’t learn, because they can’t HEAR it in the way we teach it. They can’t hear any instruction while the underlying message is “I don’t love you.” And then we’re frustrated that they didn’t learn, which makes it even harder for them to hear, and it spirals straight into the ditch. When you are loving to your children—in the way God loves, without unkindness—they begin to HEAR you. Teaching parents to love is like weaving a tapestry. You tie a thread here and there, over and over, and eventually you create a scene that is breathtaking—a CHILD who is Christ-like.

SECOND KEY to teaching children about whining (or anything): Consistency.

The lack of consistency is death—no exaggeration—when it comes to teaching. Children are like water in a cup. If there is a crack in the cup, the water doesn’t intentionally run out of the crack. It’s not malicious or scheming. The crack is just there, next to the water, and out goes the water—driven by gravity, which never sleeps. Children are the same. If you address an unproductive behavior MOST of the time, you might as well not do it at all. They’ll consider your guidelines to be a gamble they’re willing to take as they break them. You’ve created a crack, and they go right through it.

Parents almost uniformly tell me that it’s hard to be consistent. Nonsense. What is our goal? (1) Easy for ourselves, or (2) raise happy children, which is what we claim?

Again, how often do you stop for a red light at a busy intersection? Most of the time? You’re dead.

How often do you put gas in your car? Every time it needs it.

How often do you miss a plane? You DON’T.

We DO know how to be consistent where it matters, AND it turns out that until you’re utterly consistent, you’ll never know the fruits of your efforts.

Over and over again, parents call me and say some version of this: “When I was consistent MOST of the time, nothing changed. When I focused and became genuinely consistent, it wasn’t harder, and my children began to change their PERSPECTIVE, their attitude, and then their behavior. Now that they’ve really got the principle, I hardly ever have to address that behavior.”

Loving and teaching consistently is EASIER than not being consistent—much like consistently stopping for a red light is easier than taking a chance here and there and ending up in intensive care or the morgue.

I told you about Jenny, the mother who called me about Billy, the child whining in the next room. When she left our conversation, she proved herself to be one of those brave souls who actually DOES what she learns. She lovingly and consistently refused to listen to whining any more—while expressing a strong desire TO LISTEN to HIM—so... he quit whining. After how long? (Common question) TWO DAYS. Really. (I’ll give you an example shortly of an 8-9-year-old boy who learned not to whine, but this works equally well in children as young as 2 and also works—with more effort and consistency—in children who are young adults.)

No, it’s NOT easy in the beginning. Remember, she TAUGHT him to whine. So he did. She taught him that whining was acceptable, and then suddenly—out of thin air—she changed the rules. I mean, hello? Is that fair? Probably not—not to the child—but as a parent learning to loveandteach, you’re going to be changing a LOT of rules. But it works. TWO days for a child to quit whining—no, not always true, but quite often.

One mother texted me and said that her THREE-year-old son had quit whining in two days. Then he made up a song that he would sing in his child seat in the car or while playing around the house. (Without melody) “I can talk or I can whine, but if I whine, Mommy can’t understand me.” Hysterical. And brilliant. Complete understanding in two days.

Now, to all of you: Don’t even THINK about saying either:

(1) “My child isn’t 8-9,” or isn’t 3, (so this example of Billy doesn’t apply), or

(2) “But my child doesn’t whine.” (Billy’s mother didn’t think so either)

(Don’t focus on the age because I’m not here to teach you about 3-year-old whiners—or 8-years-old. Too limited.

What AM I here for? To teach you how to love and teach a child—anything. AND I’m going to show you how your child almost CERTAINLY DOES whine—in ways you probably miss—and how that relates to every other behavior that causes problems for you and your child. We’ll get to that shortly, and then again and again. Everything I teach you fits together with the other things, and they’re all designed to help you become a better parent overall, AND to help you become happier as you do it. Imagine being a HAPPY parent, even in difficult circumstances. And happy parents are always better parents.

Now we’re going to get even more meaty, practical, real. Two parts, both of which we’ve discussed in different places, but now we’re digging deeper.

FIRST part:

Look for the whining (like you did in Exercise 1—after all this additional wisdom, you’ll be better prepared to do that exercise again.) Whining is everywhere:

We all know the obvious sound, “Billy hit me.”

“Why do I have to do that?”

“All I do is work.” (several tones satisfy the requirements for whining)

“Susie (sister) doesn’t do anything around here. Why should I do all the work?”

Whining is COMPLAINING, but with a tone.

But there is so much more to whining:

For example, you assign a task to a child, and as he turns to go, he:

Sighs, rolls his eyes, makes the noise of a horse (lips, not vocal cords), lifts his shoulders, shakes his head—you’ve seen it. That is still whining, just non-verbal

Now, the SECOND part of responding to whining: Consistency

You heard what I said to Billy’s mother about responding to his whining. I can tell you that if you tell a whiner that he’s whining, he’ll almost certainly do one of two things:

1. Deny it. “I am NOT.”
2. Increase it. (Whine about your telling them that they’re whining)

You: “You’re whining.”

Them: “moooom.”

Why? Because whining is a behavior they’ve LEARNED—from you—that often gets them what they want:

• They don’t have to do what was assigned,
• They get a sibling in trouble,
• They get out of trouble
• They just get your attention (even negative, explain).

Children whine because it WORKS.

What can you do if they deny it or increase it? Consistency. Do NOT vary from the script.

FIRST, you show them their tone, and then show them what their demand would look like without whining. We discussed an example of this earlier, where I showed you how to illustrate to your child a request with and without whining.

SECOND, if they continue denying or increasing the whining, you calmly say, “Hmm, I THOUGHT you wanted to stay out here with the rest of us, but we don’t speak Whine, so you’ll have to go to your room, where you can speak Whine all you want—all day and night if you wish.” (your TONE: light but firm)

Now let’s make this directly about YOU: Go and do as Billy’s mother did. Practice all you’ve learned about whining. Respond to it as I’ve suggested EVERY SINGLE TIME you hear or see whining for three days, and see what happens. You’ll be shocked. I can tell you that if you don’t see a HUGE decrease in whining, 3 possibilities are likely or certain:

1. You were not consistent. You let some whining slide by. Why?

A. You’re used to it. You didn’t notice.

B. You’re used to it, so you don’t even label it correctly. Kid does job but clearly hates it, huffing and puffing but without high-pitched sound. Still Whining.

C. It takes effort. We all tend to avoid effort as much as possible.

D. You were tired, “Oh, do I have to go through this again?” YES.

If you think carefully, you CAN think of times you let the whining continue. How long is too long to let it go on? More than 2 seconds is too long.

2. Next reason your 3-day experiment didn’t work: You were irritated. (Sigh, roll eyes, harsh voice, tone, glare)

3. You did one or both of those things, AND you’re in denial. We never learn when we deny what we’re doing wrong.

Next, we need to examine WHY whining is wrong? Why must we address it (Other than you hate it) Lots of reasons, but let’s name three:

Problem #1. FAITH. What is the first principle of the gospel? Articles of Faith: First principles and ordinances are? Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, then the rest. (Articles of Faith 1:4)

Is it possible to have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and to whine—also known as murmuring, complaining, objecting, arguing—at the same time? NO. That’s a big problem, since faith is required before everything else we do in the gospel. IF we don’t have that, we’re done, at least for now. Faith is the planting of the seed of the tree of life. If we don’t stop whining, we make it impossible for our children to take even the first step toward exaltation. Do we want to be responsible for that neglect?

After the Savior’s resurrection, he asked the apostles what they would like from him. They all wanted to come straight back to him after their deaths, with the exception of John, who wanted to remain on the earth to bring souls to Christ, which the Savior identified as the greater desire. Peter recognized that John had been singled out by the Lord, so he asked Jesus more about John. The resurrected Lord responded, “If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? Follow thou me.” (John 21:20-23; D&C 7:3-4)

The language of King James is a bit formal in our day. We now might read the passage as Peter saying, “So what’s HE gonna be doing?” (He whined) And Jesus responded, “Not your business. Your business is to have faith in me and follow me.”

If Jesus thought it appropriate to point out when the new President of His church was whining instead of having faith, it might be appropriate for us as parents to see the lack of faith in our children’s whining (and point it out).

SECOND problem with whining. Obedience.

How many times do the scriptures refer to obedience? I got to 300 and quit.

Whining is a way to rationalize the next act of disobedience:

• It’s not fair (So because it’s not fair, I’m justified in doing this again)
• I don’t like it. (So next time he’s going to break the rule again, because he doesn’t like it

Not enough to repeat commands until they comply. Our job not to BOSS them. To love and teach, and on their end simple obedience isn’t enough. We talked about that earlier. We don’t want to raise obedient little Pharisees. Our children won’t consistently repent and become Christ-like until their ATTITUDE changes—until they WANT to learn and grow. Whining proves that their attitude has not changed. More about attitude later in this chapter.

THIRD problem with whining? It is a Gateway behavior, just like a gateway drug.  (big 7)

Just as alcohol, smoking, and marijuana tend to lead to the use of more dangerous drugs, just so, whining indicates a general disregard for the fundamental principles of righteousness, the principles of the gospel, AND whining is a PART of all the other ways to transgress and sin.

First, what fundamental principles does whining violate.

• Agency. Children who whine recognize only half of their own agency—the right to choose—while ignoring the responsibilities of their choices and denying everyone else the right to choose. Whiners love THEIR right to choose and disregard everybody else’s right to do the same. That’s what they whine about—me-me-me, and “I don’t care about anybody else.” More about responsibility and accountability as part of agency in the next chapter.
• Looking to Christ. “Look to Christ and live.” (Alma 37:47; Helaman 8:15) When we whine, we are not looking to Christ, nor do we make efforts to follow Him. Whining is driven completely by a focus on me, me, me.
•  Selflessness. We’re here in mortality to learn to be selfless, like Christ. But whining is about me, me, me.
• Joy. “Men are that they might have joy,” (2 Nephi 2:25) but people who are whining are never, ever joyful.
• Peace. We are promised that “the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep [our] hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7) Whining eliminates peace. Ever felt peaceful around a whining child? Does the child feel peaceful? Never.

During this Parenting Training, we’ll be talking about children of a wide variety of ages and how they are affected by the 7 Common Behavior Problems we have talked about:

Whining, arguing, fighting, withdrawing, lack of responsibility, defiance, anxiety, depression, and addiction to phones, gaming, pornography, alcohol, drugs, and more.

They cover almost everything kids do. In a later chapter, there will be another list of behaviors that will fill this out and help you make better sense of this one.

Although whining is just one of many behaviors and subjects we’ll be discussing, Do you Know what ALL the kids who display the Big 7 Behavior problem have in common? They ALL WHINE. Whining is a gateway to all of them. Usually we just don’t recognize it.

Why?

Because whining is so common—among our kids and their friends and other kids we know—it’s become their baseline tone. It’s become normal.

Or we don’t see whining because we call it something else—like complaining—instead of whining. (Find me a kid who doesn’t complain. When they don’t get what they want, what do they do? Complain, then get a tone—whine)

So if you have a child who complains, you’ll need to know everything we’ll be saying about whining.

What we don’t see is that whining and complaining are all Cries for help. They’re crying out for the pure love of Christ that we’re learning to give them. They don’t realize that His love is what they want, because they have little experience with it. They’re just crying out.

Sometimes our children argue, and we don’t see that it’s still whining. Still crying for help. So as part of solving arguments, you’ll need to know everything we’ll be saying about whining, including what to do about it.

Or we miss their whining because we call it anger, which is just whining but louder, insistent, on steroids. Now they’re screaming for help. All children’s outward problems are inter-related. So as part of solving anger—or resistant attitude, or phone addiction—you’ll need to know everything we’ve said and will be saying about whining and what to do about it.

You might ask, “Come on, how could phone addiction be whining?” Because we neglected to address the 100+ cries for help that preceded their phone addiction, where they were whining for our attention, and they finally GAVE UP and solved their need for attention themselves. They went to their phones or video games or porn, all because we missed the whining, the cries for attention.

Or you may not see your child as whining because they’re depressed. Depression is just very quiet whining.

OR with depression, the child DID begin with whining, and it didn’t work—because we didn’t understand it and didn’t address it—so they gave up, and now they’re depressed, cutting, or thinking about suicide. So as part of solving depression, or cutting, or suicidal thoughts, you’ll need to know everything we’re saying about whining, how it’s harmful, and what to do about it.

You may not see your child as whining because they’re addicted to drugs or alcohol—just like addictions to phones and video games. Here the whining isn’t obvious, because it’s silenced or hidden by addictions to behaviors or substances. Children often stop whining when they’re playing games (which we supply, gladly to stop the whining). They don’t whine while they’re texting (phones we bought and following our example of living on our phones). They don’t whine as much while they’re stoned or drunk. So we miss the whining that was expressed in the beginning—before it was silenced by all these behaviors. So again, as part of solving any addictions, you need to know about whining and how it affects children.

And how does whining affect them? How do all these problem behaviors affect them?

They make them unable to experience joy or peace. They can’t be selfless. Their ability to understand or exercise agency becomes warped. They can’t look to Christ and live.

These behaviors are deadly.

As I talk about responding to whining, pay attention not so much to the details of the specific child, or the child’s gender or age. (Remember, I said we’d be talking principles, and then just ILLUSTRATING them with specific problems and ages) We’ll be talking about lots of ages, and lots of problems—and they all interconnect.

I’m talking about WHINING HERE to illustrate more general principles—connecting practice to principles, like the puzzles piece we talked about in the Introduction—AND to give you a feel about how to deal with just one problem, which can give you hope that there are practical solutions to the many other problem behaviors (often solutions that you can begin to implement immediately). AND as we do all this, you’ll be learning what YOU need to know to become a more loving PERSON—which is essential to, and must precede, your becoming a loving PARENT. I’m going to show you how to put this all together for YOUR child.

As we talk about all the problem behaviors, keep in mind that they’re not separate problems.

They’re all linked by their root CAUSE: the lack of the PLC in their life, which then is ALWAYS followed by PAIN and FEAR.

In the short term—eventually in the long term—nearly all human beings are driven mostly or entirely by PAIN and NEED and FEAR (need and fear follow pain). I will consistently refer to this ROOT problem—over and over—until it makes sense to you, AND helps you address the pain, need, and fears of your child that cause all the other problems.

A few minutes ago, we talked about Billy, who whined a lot. The world is filled with Billys, raising their voices in various ways. But let’s go back to whining for a moment.

Occasionally parents say to me, as one did the other day about a whining child,

“I tried what you said, but it didn’t work.”

I responded, "You did NOT do what you heard."

The parent said, With indignant tone (whining), "How do you know? you weren't there."

I said "because I have yet to know of a case where the parent has consistently done what they were taught about whining, but the child has continued to whine.” Why is that? Because they’re too SMART for that. They’ve all learned not to do what doesn’t work. If a young child hits himself on the head with a toy, he VERY quickly learns that he doesn’t like it, so he STOPS hitting himself on the head. He hits another toy instead, or the floor or whatever. Children do what works—they do what gets them what they want.

Children don’t continue using behaviors that don’t give them a reward.

So if you have a child who “keeps” doing something wrong, you can write it down that he’s getting something from his wrong behavior—mostly unconsciously—and almost always getting something from YOU. And you’re playing a game that you’re not seeing. One mother told me that her child kept whining despite her doing everything right: no anger, being consistent. And I said, “You’re doing it right now.”

“What?”

Me: “As you talk about him, you wrinkle your forehead in concern. He whines because he feels lost and helpless. When you wrinkle your forehead in worry or frustration—even if you don’t SAY anything wrong—he spots that immediately. He lives for getting some kind of reaction from you with his whining, and that’s enough. Negative attention is better than none—the stale cookies.

Now, a brief but very important summary of all of this: While you’re dealing with whining in a child—or any other unproductive behavior—if YOU are either unloving or inconsistent, you’ll lose. Angry? Lose, because all your child hears is “I don’t love you.” If you listen to the whining half the time (or less)—if you’re inconsistent—they’ll keep doing it. You lose. Worse, THEY lose.

The Lord said, “The rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and ... the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.” (D&C 121:36)

The same verse could be restated with happiness as the subject, as in the “plan of happiness.” (Alma 42:8, 16). Like this: “The rights of HAPPINESS are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and happiness cannot be controlled except by the principles of righteousness.”

If we don’t love our children with the pure love of Christ, “the most desirable above all” principles according to Nephi, we can’t be happy, nor can we help our children find happiness from the fruit of the tree.

Just know that whining—and all the other problems of children—are not cured by clever words. The solution is all in who you ARE, in what your children FEEL from you. It’s in your face, it's in your tone, posture, energy.

So THAT is what you’ll be learning: How to LOVE your children unconditionally, which then gives them a REASON to LISTEN to you. How many times have you wondered why a child isn’t hearing what you’re saying? Makes us CRAZY, doesn’t it, saying the same things over and over? There’s an answer to the question, and here it is: Children don’t listen to us because when you’re irritated or in any way not loving, your child hears only “I don’t love you,” and that is so devastating, that he or she hears none of the rest of what you say.

If you love them after the way of God, they can HEAR you —what you’re really saying—because now they’re not distracted by their pain and fear, not blinded and deafened by the “I don’t love you” message. Then it becomes possible for you to teach them anything—like how to be loving and responsible themselves. And if they have that powerful trifecta—they feel loved, and they are loving and responsible—they fulfill the three needs that President Hinckley said we all have. They are guaranteed to be happy, which is the ultimate goal for any parent, or, frankly, any person.

Exercise 2. Within the next 24 hours, try this exercise:

After reading the entire section on whining in this chapter, practice what what you’ve learned with one of your children.

Be consistent.

Be not afraid. If you are afraid, your child will have no confidence in your efforts and will likely whine all the more.

Write down what you learned from this exercise.

What did you do well?

How did it go poorly? Can you identify how it went badly?

Use all this information to help you with the next interaction with the whining child.

You’re really moving now. There’s lots more to learn, but you’re beginning to see how some of the puzzle pieces fit together.

Remember Jenny, the mother of Billy, who whined more than she thought?

Whining disappeared after TWO days, as we said. But, as is our human tendency, she did not attend to that particular weed in the garden, even though it was right next to the tree of life, so—surprise!—it grew back. Billy started whining again, and Jenny addressed it only here and there. She forgot the 2^nd key to parenting: “consistency”

Jenny called me and said that she’d completed the Parenting Training, and it had made a HUGE difference in her kids, her marriage, and in herself. She said that she had discovered a couple of things:

1. She wasn’t as loving as she had always thought. She often demonstrated disappointment, impatience, and anger with her children, all of which qualities are incompatible with the pure love of Christ.
2. Her kids behaved in unloving ways far more than she had realized before, like when she said, “Oh my, he whines all day, and I didn’t see it.”

Her last interaction with Billy had gone like this:

Mom then talked to me by video call:

I taught Mom more about how to genuinely love and teach at the same time—the kind of love with no anger or disappointment, which is so much easier to do when we realize that children are never BAD. They’re just in pain. This is NOT a technique. It’s a profound change in the way you think, see, and live. And the results you experience with your children can be both immediate and profound. I taught her the principles found in the Parenting Training, but this time she was better prepared by study and prayer and experience to hear them at a higher level.

I also taught Mom how to teach her children to speak English, even though we had discussed that before. After Mom learned more about how to love and teach, she interacted with Billy again. Let’s watch and listen:

This is not a fairy tale. I hear stories like this every day. Sometimes the interactions are much more difficult than this, but you’ll learn how to respond in those situations too.

We can all learn to love and teach our children in this way. We can ELIMINATE whining in our families. Not kidding—sometimes in DAYS. And we can productively approach—and often eliminate—all the other behaviors I’ve listed or discussed earlier. Great way to live

Gratitude

I want to emphasize a principle here that will change your parenting forever. It is never the goal of a truly loving parent to simply STOP an unproductive behavior in a child. It is not our goal to have children “not whining.” Ridiculous. Do we envision Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world and our great example, as the “least whiney” person to ever live? No, our goal is to love and teach our children in a way that will create an environment where they can learn to be HAPPY. Joyful, like the Savior was and is. And that always, always includes gratitude, possibly the one condition that would stand as directly opposed to whining.

King Benjamin spoke on this subject (I paraphrase only a little):

“God has created you, kept and preserved you, given you breath from one moment to another so you can choose your own life, and has given you so many reasons to rejoice. And if you keep his commandments he keeps blessing and enriching you.”

Mosiah 2:19-22

Notice that gratitude is not a trick of positive thinking. People often refer to the “attitude of gratitude.” That does NOT convey the most useful description of gratitude. It implies positive thinking, which is pretty much impossible for people who have a victim mentality—when they’re whining, for example.

Gratitude is simply telling the truth about what we actually have, which allows us to more fully enjoy it. In the words of Benjamin, it’s remembering that God has “given us so much reason to rejoice.” Gratitude magnifies our joy in what we have. When we love our children, we introduce them to the divine love available to them, and our love reminds them of God’s love, so they can both feel and remember that they already have what really matters. Then they have “reason to rejoice.” When we’re grateful, we lose our expectations, fear, and anger. Disappointment, demands, and envy vanish. It’s not possible to be grateful and unhappy at the same time.

We’ll be talking more about gratitude later, showing exactly how you can teach it.

The Final Results

In the end, after all the training, practice, experience, prayer, grace, inspiration, what do we get from learning how to be loving parents?

What do we REALLY want?

What we don’t want is children who are only obedient out of duty, or fear, or guilt. That doesn’t last, and—as we’ve said before—that kind of obedience is not enough.

No, we create a garden where our children can partake of the tree of life that WE have grown.

After they taste our fruit, they are much better prepared to learn to taste and partake of the tree of life that God provides.

And then, finally they THIRST for the light and fruit of the tree of life. They exercise the faith to plant their own seed, and grow their own sapling into a tree that bears fruit (Alma 32).

We want children to “look to Christ and live.” (Alma 37:47; Helaman 8:13-15)

We are preparing our children for LIFE, all of it—when we won’t be there to command or control or save them. Much of life will simply HAPPEN around them, and we are preparing them with the strength to follow Christ through all of it.

Elder Boyd K. Packer said, “The very purpose for which the world was created, and man introduced to live upon it, requires that the laws of nature operate in cold disregard for human feelings. We must work out our salvation without expecting the laws of nature to be exempted for us. Natural law is, on rare occasions, suspended in a miracle. But mostly [those who are] handicapped, like the lame man at the pool of Bethesda, wait endlessly for the moving of the water.” (Ensign May 1991)

The circumstances of life can sometimes seem very harsh, even cruel, but this life was intended to be difficult, to allow us to prove ourselves—and Improve ourselves—in and because of those trials. It is the power of the pure love of Christ, and our faith in Him, that will carry us through and turn difficult experiences into refining ones. 

Your Love Leads to God’s Love

President Thomas S. Monson said, “We are strengthened by this truth: The greatest force in this world today is the power of God as it works through man.” (Ensign May 1988) There is no mistaking the meaning. Many people will not feel the love of God directly, either through ignorance or because of the mists of darkness that obscure their view of the light pouring from the tree of life. In many cases, though, they will first feel God’s love working through US as mortals. Why would our children not be the first we would want to feel God’s love through us?

Elder Richard G. Scott of the Twelve said, “We must ... sincerely love those we want to help ... so they can begin to develop confidence in God’s love. For so many in the world, the first challenge in accepting the gospel is to develop faith in a Father in Heaven, who loves them perfectly. It is easier to develop that faith when they have friends or family members who love them in a similar way. Giving them confidence in your love can help them develop faith in God’s love.” (Ensign May 2014) Exactly what we do as parents.

We can offer our children the fruit of the tree of life that we have tasted. Then they acquire a taste for the fruit. They become familiar with that taste and want more of it.

Christ is the rock upon which we all must build (D&C 11:24).

You are the rock for your children right now. You give them a feel for the Rock they seek in Christ. Let me state this even more plainly. It is very likely that the best chance your children will ever get to know Jesus Christ is you.